Should I Break-up With My Boyfriend?

B writes:
Hi Chauntel,
I’ve noticed more and more lately that my bf is not the man I thought he was.
I was initially attracted to him when we began dating a year ago because he seemed so adult: gentleman, home owner, good job, responsible, etc. Then I feel in love because he’s sweet, caring, affectionate etc.
Lately though, I’m kinds “getting over it.” He doesn’t have money to take me on a date, but he has money to buy weed! Among other things…

I think the real kicker was a talk we had a month ago. We have different time frames when we want to marry each other (at least we want to marry each other lol). I think in 3 years is appropriate and he thinks in about 7-9++ who  His logic? He wants to grow up more, go to school, make more money. I respect that, BUT I see no initiative! I’ve gone with him to look at schools, for example, and he like…doesn’t follow through. So he says he wants to become a better person before he gets married, and I appreciate that…but I don’t see him doing anything about it. It’s like all talk.

Now I know better than to try to change his mind. I guess my question is, is it time to move on? I’m young and have no intention of wasting my precious 20s on someone who is all talk no walk with his drive/motivation, and who has money for drugs but not for dates etc.
Like I said, I was attracted because I thought he was grown up and I fell in love because of his heart. His heart is still golden, and I still love him. I guess my attraction is fading though because of this. Maybe the realization that we’re on not different paths but different paces left a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe his drug use it starting to get to me (I knew it from the first date though so I can’t pretend to be shocked). Maybe our differences are becoming more evident as we pass the one year mark.
Any perspective will give me a clearer head. Thanks Chauntel!
Screen Shot 2013-09-08 at 9.06.07 PMHello B!
I am going to take your question and answer it piece by piece. 
In response to your statement: 
“I’ve noticed more and more lately that my bf is not the man I thought he was.”
When this becomes a reality, we sometimes ignore it because we are so attached emotionally that we don’t want to let go. However, to be completely transparent with yourself and admit that he isn’t who you would wish for him to be, is monumental. With this knowledge, you also have to recognize the fact that you cannot change him, and you cannot romanticize over who you thought he was. In fact, in order to stay in a healthy relationship with someone you have to love the person that they are. 
 
He is a druggy. I understand that “weed” may not be considered as a serious drug to most. BUT… It is still a drug, and it is still illegal. Also,  weed is usually a gateway into other drugs. Unfortunately, this problem will probably not only persist, but get worse. Not only that, but fact that he is not meeting your needs, and is instead spending all of his resources on drugs, is a window for you to see into the bad choices that he is making in his life.
With this information, as much as you might try to settle it in your mind, and justify his actions(we as women do this often) you cannot turn the other cheek.
You deserve better, much better.
As far as talks of marriage, you shouldn’t marry someone who is making you feel this way. First off, you shouldn’t marry him because, you don’t like who he is as a person. (personal choices, career choices, choices concerning you…etc..) Second, you shouldn’t marry him because, he doesn’t appreciate who you are. Lastly, you shouldn’t marry him because, he isn’t serious about your relationship or your feelings because if he was, he would not be telling you that he will marry you in distant years like 7 to 9 years. Those numbers tell me that you two value different things in life.
When you choose to marry someone, all of your values and beliefs may not match completely, but they should be really, really close. Otherwise you will run into even more problems.
I would say, that your women’s intuition is speaking to you, and letting you know that although it feels good to have a relationship, and you like the idea of who you thought he was, this is not going well. It cannot be ignored. If you continue in this relationship, you will be settling. And my oh my, is that bad!
You deserve to have a man who will sweep you off of your feet, and this guy isn’t even trying. So, to you I say, yep it’s time to walk away. 
Being friends probably won’t work because your feelings run too deep. It’s already going to be hard enough to walk away, but you will be a stronger women for it. I wish you all the blessing and all the love in the world.
I Hope This Helps!
Chauntel
email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com
 

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I Want Out of My Relationship

Darrah writes,
Hi Chauntel!
I’ve had dreams about me kissing my friend,  but I’ve got a boyfriend. I do feel for my friend, but not in a love way. It’s happened a couple of times and maybe its because I’ve been unsure.
If I want to break up with him because I never see him, and he’s not good at the long distance thing. I live in Aberdare in Wales, and he lives in Newport about and hour and 45 minute drive so can you give me any help.
Hi Darrah,
When you dream it’s your unconscious coming to light. However, conscious or not you have already made it clear that you are ready to let go of your boyfriend.
The distance doesn’t make this any easier. There is no need to drag this out, whether or not you have feelings for your friend, if you want to let go of the realtionship you are in then you have to be brave and do it.
It is not fair to either you or your boyfriend to stay in this relationship if you do not have true feelings for him. So you have to be honest with him, and let him know how you feel, honestly and truly. You can do it. Just pick the appropriate place and time. I hope that you can do this in person. Try to wait until you see him before you break the news.
I Hope This Helps!
Chauntel
Email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

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I’m a Big Dude…How Do I Attract a Good Woman?

25-year-old Donald from Mississippi writes:

Hi Chauntel,

I’m a big dude, and I wanted to know how to attract a good woman? I’m so tired of being alone I’m ready 4 a family. I want to be a provider.

Hi Donald,

If you are ready for a family then, it is time for you to begin to take hold of your life. Pursuing a relationship in your frame of mind is unhealthy.

Before, you begin courting a woman and looking to build a family with her, you are going to have to find confidence in yourself.

So, you need to be confident in who you are before I would recommend that you begin pursuing a relationship.

What does this mean?

Your weight is not the problem, it’s your criticalness of yourself that is going to hold you back. If you don’t like the size that you are, and it is effecting your ability to be confident in who you are, then you need to begin making wiser decisions when it comes to eating right and exercising. This doesn’t mean starve yourself, or be at the gym non-stop.

In fact, in means just the opposite. You need to make a plan for your physical health. For your life, and the life of your future family. Get with a nutritionist who can help map this out for you.

When you begin feeling comfortable with yourself, then we can begin to think about what you need to pursue a long lasting relationship, but it seems to me that you aren’t quite ready.

Going into a long term committed relationship when you are so down on yourself will not be a healthy situation for you or your future spouse. I am glad that you want to begin making positive changes in your life, that is great, but we need to prepare you for those changes.

Be encouraged, it is not all about how you look. The woman is going to eventually look past that once she begins to see who you are. But in this case, you don’t feel comfortable with yourself, and I am not ready to advise you into a relationship until that changes.

Feel free to take advantage of my free 15-minute-coaching session by using the coaching coupon. 

When we get you mentally ready for a relationship after first establishing a love for yourself then we address the second part of your question. You dig?

Be Blessed

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

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Do Intelligent Girls Finish Last: Ask Chauntel Radio

19-year-old Jordan from Illinios writes,

Hi Chauntel,

I’m not ashamed of it or anything, but I’ve never been kissed. I’ve dated, but we kissed(it wasn’t meaningful, if you know what I mean) so I don’t consider it a kiss, they were more like pecks. I have everything going for me right now. I just finished my 1st year of college a couple of months ago, my grades are really god, and I have an abundance of people who care/love me (boys and girls) I’ve dated two guys, but I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I do believe that good things come to those who wait, and that God knows what’s best for me as well. I always used to get the guys who would crush on me, but would tell me right before we would graduate, and I probably will never see them again. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s me/is it guys. I’m a pretty outgoing person, and I/others believe that I’m a beautiful young woman. I’m not saying that I want to be in a relationship right now, but do you think that it’s a guy think as to why guys don’t ask me out/is it me?

Hi Jordan,

I answered your question at the beginning of my radio show yesterday:

I Hope This Helps!

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I’m Scared to Tell Him That I Like Him

7th Grade Allie from Kansas writes:

Dear Chauntel,

The teacher calls us love birds in gym class. We have a friendship, but now should I do? I am scared to ask him out. What should I do?

Hi Allie,

Nothing good comes easy. Love is worth the risk so, you have to get past the fear and let him know that you are interested.

Tell him that you appreciate his friendship, but that you are interested in getting to know him better. See if he is also interested in getting to know you better. If he says yes, then great go get yo’ man. If he says no, then it’s ok you can still be friends.

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

Ask Chauntel Radio Today at 3pm PCT – Teen Bullying

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