A Simple Thing to Consider When Choosing a Mate – Ask Chauntel – Advice Column

couple embracing in love
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Hello Beautiful People,

I just wanted to leave you with a word of encouragement.

When you make the decision that you are ready to look for a mate, always be sure that you put yourself in the equation.

Don’t choose someone just to feel a void. Choose a person that compliments you. In fact, choose a person that completes you! And by the way…be bold and confident while you do it 🙂

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

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He Says He Doesn’t Want to Be in a Relationship

24-year-old Ebony writes:

I recently ran into an old friend from High School, we exchanged numbers and I text him like a week later. He expressed to me how he always like me but I was only into school, that I was his high school sweetheart. I had no idea he felt this way about me and it sent me into shock.

He asked me out the next day and my response was “um.” Honestly I was still taking in everything he expressed to me the day before and how much love he had. He asked me if it was too soon and indecisively I responded “yeeeeea.”

a few days later after I processed his feelings and I processed my own, I expressed to him how I wish I would of said yes the first time, that I wanted to be with him and I knew he’d be good for me.

this is the exact text he responded with:
“truth is ‘im not ready for a relationship and can be friends. my job takes so much time and plus i’m gonna start school ebony and its not that i’m trying to avoid you its that I get no time for me AND its frustrating!! so i’m sorry ok”

my heart broke and I couldn’t understand what was happening and what I should do. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted , if I go down the list he’s the PERFECT guy for me (yes I said perfect)

I don’t want to loose him … what do I do now?

Hi Ebony!

Look at this as a blessing in disguise. He obviously doesn’t know what he wants, and you my friend can do nothing with a guy who doesn’t know what he wants. You dig?

So, don’t sweat it. If he doesn’t want a relationship then he doesn’t. At least he is being honest with you. He could have gotten with you, then cheated on you.

Cut your losses, there is a guy out there for you. He is wishy washy it seems. Don’t get your heart wrapped up in this. If and when he is ready, he will let you know. Until then, don’t fret just be cool, and see what happens. Stop putting so much pressure on this and just try to have fun. Ok?

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

Should I Break-up With My Boyfriend?

B writes:
Hi Chauntel,
I’ve noticed more and more lately that my bf is not the man I thought he was.
I was initially attracted to him when we began dating a year ago because he seemed so adult: gentleman, home owner, good job, responsible, etc. Then I feel in love because he’s sweet, caring, affectionate etc.
Lately though, I’m kinds “getting over it.” He doesn’t have money to take me on a date, but he has money to buy weed! Among other things…

I think the real kicker was a talk we had a month ago. We have different time frames when we want to marry each other (at least we want to marry each other lol). I think in 3 years is appropriate and he thinks in about 7-9++ who  His logic? He wants to grow up more, go to school, make more money. I respect that, BUT I see no initiative! I’ve gone with him to look at schools, for example, and he like…doesn’t follow through. So he says he wants to become a better person before he gets married, and I appreciate that…but I don’t see him doing anything about it. It’s like all talk.

Now I know better than to try to change his mind. I guess my question is, is it time to move on? I’m young and have no intention of wasting my precious 20s on someone who is all talk no walk with his drive/motivation, and who has money for drugs but not for dates etc.
Like I said, I was attracted because I thought he was grown up and I fell in love because of his heart. His heart is still golden, and I still love him. I guess my attraction is fading though because of this. Maybe the realization that we’re on not different paths but different paces left a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe his drug use it starting to get to me (I knew it from the first date though so I can’t pretend to be shocked). Maybe our differences are becoming more evident as we pass the one year mark.
Any perspective will give me a clearer head. Thanks Chauntel!
Screen Shot 2013-09-08 at 9.06.07 PMHello B!
I am going to take your question and answer it piece by piece. 
In response to your statement: 
“I’ve noticed more and more lately that my bf is not the man I thought he was.”
When this becomes a reality, we sometimes ignore it because we are so attached emotionally that we don’t want to let go. However, to be completely transparent with yourself and admit that he isn’t who you would wish for him to be, is monumental. With this knowledge, you also have to recognize the fact that you cannot change him, and you cannot romanticize over who you thought he was. In fact, in order to stay in a healthy relationship with someone you have to love the person that they are. 
 
He is a druggy. I understand that “weed” may not be considered as a serious drug to most. BUT… It is still a drug, and it is still illegal. Also,  weed is usually a gateway into other drugs. Unfortunately, this problem will probably not only persist, but get worse. Not only that, but fact that he is not meeting your needs, and is instead spending all of his resources on drugs, is a window for you to see into the bad choices that he is making in his life.
With this information, as much as you might try to settle it in your mind, and justify his actions(we as women do this often) you cannot turn the other cheek.
You deserve better, much better.
As far as talks of marriage, you shouldn’t marry someone who is making you feel this way. First off, you shouldn’t marry him because, you don’t like who he is as a person. (personal choices, career choices, choices concerning you…etc..) Second, you shouldn’t marry him because, he doesn’t appreciate who you are. Lastly, you shouldn’t marry him because, he isn’t serious about your relationship or your feelings because if he was, he would not be telling you that he will marry you in distant years like 7 to 9 years. Those numbers tell me that you two value different things in life.
When you choose to marry someone, all of your values and beliefs may not match completely, but they should be really, really close. Otherwise you will run into even more problems.
I would say, that your women’s intuition is speaking to you, and letting you know that although it feels good to have a relationship, and you like the idea of who you thought he was, this is not going well. It cannot be ignored. If you continue in this relationship, you will be settling. And my oh my, is that bad!
You deserve to have a man who will sweep you off of your feet, and this guy isn’t even trying. So, to you I say, yep it’s time to walk away. 
Being friends probably won’t work because your feelings run too deep. It’s already going to be hard enough to walk away, but you will be a stronger women for it. I wish you all the blessing and all the love in the world.
I Hope This Helps!
Chauntel
email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com
 

13 and in Love With a Married Woman

13-year-old Antoine writes:

Hey Chauntel,

Theres this women i like. I’m only 13, and she is like 21 and married. Would it matter if i tell her or should i just keep it balled up inside and never tell anybody?

Hi Antoine,

It’s perfectly normal for you to have a crush, but telling her how you feel would be inappropriate. Sometimes we have to control our inner thoughts. It is during these times that we keep our thoughts to ourselves.

The first issue that we have here is age. She is much too old for you. In fact, she could legally go to jail if she had any dealings with you. Second she is married, and you should never pursue a married woman. It is not honorable.

There will be plenty of wonderful women in your life. So, you are going to have to let this one go. Instead of thinking of it as keeping it bottled up inside, think of it as letting go of your impossible desires.

This is one you are going to have to walk away from. If you really feel like you need to share it. Talk to a close friend who you can trust, or find an artistic expression. You could write a poem or paint something. You can even write  a song. Just don’t attach her name to any of it.

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

http://www.askchauntel.com

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Love Always,

Chauntel

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The Law of Attraction

14-year-old Nick writes:

Hey Chauntel, I just watched your video on how to approach a girl and stuff like that…. But my situation is a little bit tougher.. I’m 14, I just started high school this year and I noticed this girl kind of right off the bat as soon as I saw her she immediately drew my attention but I cannot get enough courage to talk to her everytime I try I get all nervous start to blush I get butterflies my mind goes all crazy so I back out and just not talk to her. I’ve never talked to this girl before bc of that reason and it’s almost the end of the school year and I’ve never said a word to her. What’s your advice on how to approach her for the first time without making me look like a fool and I can give her a good first impression on how I am?? And I guess I’m kind of pessimistic about this situation bc I doubt my chances of ever being able to date her when the time presents itself and I always think I’m not good enough and my looks aren’t good enough and I don’t wanna wait too long bc she could get swept up by another guy and I don’t want that /: so please if you could answer back with some advice on this situation ASAP it would help me soooo much (: hope to hear back soon!

Hi Nick,

Have you heard of the Law of Attraction? The gist of it is, if you think negatively you will attract negativity. So, if you keep thinking that you have a small chance to attract her, guess what you do.

So what I need you to do is stop thinking of yourself as never getting a chance with her, but start believing that she would be happy to have you.

If you step to a girl without confidence she is not going to take you seriously, and she will not be attracted to you. Also, this is not about putting on a show. All you have to do is be yourself.

As far as your looks go, although I am not sure how you look I want you to know in most cases it really doesn’t matter. I mean face it. Haven’t you seen plenty of beautiful girls with not so hot guys. Do you know why? It is because those girls are attracted to those guys based on that guys confidence. This is not to say that you are not attractive ok.

So moving on. What you need is a game plan. I don’t mean that you need to memorize how the conversation is going to go word for word. If you do that and it doesn’t go the way you planned you will choke.

Here is how you approach her: Walk up to her and say hello. Introduce yourself. Let her introduce herself. Then, give her a compliment. Then have small talk. It could be about anything.

Then create a sense of urgency. Make up an excuse as to why you have to go, or simply tell her that you have enjoyed talking to her, and you would like to get to know her better. This is the time that you ask her for her number. Then you tell her you will talk to her later, and off you go. Whatever you do, stop this negative self talk and believe in yourself. You will be glad you did.

Now, once you have done that you have approached her, and you have left a good thought in her mind of you. Need some help with the next conversation? I have a video for that:

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

Interracial Dating Help Please!

19-year-old CJ writes:

Hi there Chauntel!

I just wanted to ask you about my situation. Well here’s the situation. This girl that works at the same place I work at (Walmart) is whom I really like. Shes black. Now I’m Filipino and shes Jamaican. Just saying lol

Someone in my department had told her that I like her and I heard that she smiled about it. So what does that mean? Is that a sign that she likes me as well? Or just so that shes flattered and plus she’s 22 and I’m 19 turning 20.

Hi CJ,

Well, a smile is universal for happy. Beyond that, there is not much else we can know for sure.
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What I recommend is you approach her, and ask her out for ice cream. See if she is interested. Schedule the time a little after lunch, but before dinner. If Ice cream goes well you can take a walk in the park right after, or schedule time to meet up again. The next meet up time will be for a more formal date like dinner, and an activity like: bowling, miniature golf, hiking, or something else that is interactive and will give you all the opportunity to talk. Save the movie for the second or third date, you cannot talk much at a movie.

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

askchauntel@gmail.com

http://www.askchauntel