How to Deal with – Mother in Law – Christian Dating Advice

Amaryah from California writes,

Hi Chauntel,

I have a serious question about my partner. He’s a great person. Protective. A leader. Hard working and all the important stuff. We have been together 4 years and are getting married in 3 months. Since we have gotten engaged, his family has taken a turn for the worst!

For instance:
-My partner and I were in escrow for a house. His mom called me over alone to pick up some necessary documents. She used the opportunity of us being alone to tell me off and disrespect me. She insulted me as a woman and adult. My fiancé told her she can’t talk to me like that but her behavior never really changed.
– The next time I was alone with his mom, she told me it is my duty as a woman to have sex with her son and wear lingerie for him. My sex life is none of her business, and he and I are not married yet. I know she doesn’t talk to her daughters that way. My boundaries of respect were violated.

-His father constantly insults (or back handed compliments) my family. He once told me I’m beautiful and it’s a shame my sisters are ugly. He also told me he hopes I don’t end up rude like mother. And once he said I look pregnant! (I am very fit and he knows I’m working hard for a wedding dress body. It was a calculated insult).

– My in-laws constantly would ask be about children before the wedding date was even set. This is an insult to me because I was raised to wait until marriage to have children and they know that. They raised their family in that way too. I don’t see them asking their daughters those kind of questions

-My partner’s oldest sister invited me to a night out to get to know me better and invited a girl she tried to set my man up with! It was hazing before he proposed a month later

– His family is drama. That same sister accused him of prioritizing me over his family. Like yes the Bible says he’s supposed to leave his family of origin to start a new life with me.
– I tried winning them over/impressing them by offering to cook Mother’s Day lunch. His mom constantly questioned my home making skills (in my culture, that is an insult to my womanhood). He and I both assured her it would be my pleasure to cook. She still cooked anyway and his sisters made it a point to taunt me that she cooked.

This is just some examples. There are so many instances of disrespect towards me as a future daughter in law. His family completely changed once he put a ring on it. I used to be cool with them and it all changed once we were engaged and bought a home. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to take him away from his family but I also cannot put up with this behavior until death do us part. I’m beginning to have second thoughts even about children. If they are over bearing and possessive of him now, imagine how they will behave when I have children?

I want a successful relationship with my man. But I don’t know what to do. He’s tried talking to them on my behalf. I stand up for self when they make comments about me. But they just don’t stop. My only idea is to no longer visit them or see them. But I know that will be hard on my partner. I can’t just grin and bear it. Their behavior has literally given me panic attacks (I panic in private)

How do I let go of my resentment towards his family in order to have a successful relationship with my future husband? Do you think our relationship stands any chance? How do I get his family to stop disrespecting me? I feel really hopeless. People divorce over in laws after all.

I should also note: He’s protective of them. When I had panic attacks, he thought I was being dramatic and overly critical of his family. I don’t want him to chose sides but I feel for the past 4 years, he has taken their side over mine in every instance. The recent Mother’s Day event, when his mother was insulting my cooking abilities (they all ended up loving the food by the way!!), he even asked, well why did u offer????

He’s getting a little better at standing up for me but I just don’t know what to. I feel really lost and down about it and hopeless about my relationship. The worst part is, I think this is what the want in the end. To break us up and have him all to themselves again. How can I forgive people who refuse to admit to what they do or even apologize?

He also supported them financially until he bought a house with me….

pexels-photo-219776Hello Amaryah,

This is a very difficult situation that you are in, and I am so glad that you asked the question. Many women deal with difficult in laws, and I believe they can also learn from your situation. Just know that you are not alone in this. 

First of all congrats on your wedding and finding a suitable groom to marry.

Here is the bottom line when it comes to his family, he has to be the one to fix it. He has to understand your perspective and defend your position with them. You cannot do this successfully for a number of reasons.

If you try to stand up against his family, in the way that he should stand up for you, you run a chance of him being upset with you. You may also say or do something that will sever your relationship with them for good. What we hope for is a possible positive future between you and your in laws. I believe that with some positive communication and time this is still possible.

It appears that your mother-in-law is pinning her family against you, and doing her best to get rid of you. I think you should hang in there as long as he is willing to stand up for you.

If he does not become understanding and sympathetic towards your position, then I think you will find it difficult to be in a marriage with him.

And yes, you are very wise, when children are added to the picture it will be even more difficult this is why he has to nip it in the bud now.

So, the only person who can fix this is him, and if he doesn’t do it now, you might have to consider if you want to go into a life long marriage with this type of animosity between you and your in-laws.

It is normal to have some resistance in these relationships, but not to the point where you are having panic attacks and dealing with all of this verbal abuse.

To your question of if you can just stay away from them, no, it seems that they are close and you don’t want to unlink him from his family completely that will make him unhappy and possibly give him resentment towards you.

As you mentioned, yes, the Bible does say, for the man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife in Matthew 19:5. That simply expresses that he has to be the one to get this situation under control.

If he is a man of God, and you are in a Christian Relationship then he should do this without a problem. If he is not, then you are about to face a more challenges.

I offer Private Coaching, if you so desire! Click here for more info!

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

Email Me Questions: askchauntel@gmail.com

 

What Do Men Really Want – Christian Relationship Advice for Women

I share Christian Relationship Tips in this video on how to make a man miss you! If you want to set relationship goals to make him miss you this is an relationship advice video will be of great assistance! I hope you enjoy these relationship tips and share them with others!

Proverbs 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. 

Happy Relationships : 3 Guidelines Women Should Follow in Relationships

DON’T DO: The Nag Instead of the Brag

Men don’t respond well to nagging. I mean who does? The best way to get the most out of your man is praise him for what he does right, and request the things that you need at the right time.

If you follow these two simple guidelines you will get the most out of your man more often. If you really want something done, you should not only consider asking, but ask when he is available to actually get the task done and is not preoccupied with another responsibility.

If you want your man to respond positively to you, brag on him. In fact, let him hear you do it! This makes him feel loved and proud to do more for you.

DONT’: Let Your Emotions Lead

Women were born with instincts that favor emotion over logic. Many times it is hard to not allow your emotions to affect your actions. However, to build a strong relationship you must remember not to allow your emotions to be the sole determinant of actions that you take.

Emotions do exist for a reason, and they play an important role in relationships. However, it is important to remember that they should not dictate you actions. Instead, weigh logic and emotion when choosing to make decisions.

DON’T: Find Self Worth in Him

Verse I Would Like to Share: Psalms 139:14

Remember that you are uniquely made by God. Therefore, instead of finding your worth in your relationship find your worth in God.

If you have no life outside of your relationship you will find it difficult to be happy within your relationship. This doesn’t mean that you cannot do things with your bae, but it does mean that you should have other things that you are interested in doing on your own.

Simply, keep your girlfriends and have a hobby. There will be times where your guy wants to hang with his guy friends, and you should be ok with that. He will be more excited to get home to you if you don’t make a fuss about it. Remember to make your life equally as interesting as he thinks his is!

Email me questions to: askchauntel@gmail.com

What Men Want – Christian Relationship Advice for Women

In this video I share Christian relationship advice with women on what men want. As women men can seem so hard to understand when considering dating and relationships. I will give love advice on how to keep your man happy and coming back for more! Watch!

Email me questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

Stay Connected with Me:

 

How to Be a Good Wife – Christian Marriage – Happy Marriage

In this video I share my relationship tips on being a good wife. There are some specific things to consider when trying to build a happy marriage. I am Christian, and I therefore have Christian values. These tips will help you build a Healthy Christian Marriage.

Email me questions to askchauntel@gmail.com
Vote in the Poll: https://askchauntel.com/2017/03/28/poll-vote-are-you-married/

 

Interracial Dating: How to Approach Black Women

Daniel writes:

Hey Chauntel,

I’m nervous about talking to black girls any suggestions?

Hi Daniel,

Screen Shot 2016-04-11 at 2.48.16 PM
“Cookie” from the show “Empire”

So there is this massive media portrayal of black women being, for lack of a better word, “difficult” to approach or get a long with in a relationship. This is really a huge misconception.

I believe in many ways we are being misrepresented. We maybe bold, and we may seem intimidating at first, for whatever the reason, but we are truly very light hearted. When we love we love hard. We treat our men like kings.

More and more black women are reaching outside of their race.

Bellow are some celebrity couples that you may be familiar with. For purposes of this post, we won’t get into the specifics of their relationships.However, for your knowledge some are currently: married, divorced, broken-up, dating. You get the picture! Either way they have been coupled up at one time or another! Take the poll below to vote on your favorite!

 

To answer your question specifically, approach with confidence. If you don’t have it, “fake it til’ you make it!” There isn’t anything spectacularly different about approaching a black women than approaching any other women!  Just be yourself, and be confident in what you have to offer.

With all that being said, make sure that you have something to offer. Which might mean, scaling back to work on building yourself up before approaching a woman.

Oh, and here is a recent video that I produced:

Titled: Do Black Women Like White Men?

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

email questions to: askchauntel@gmail.com

Which was your favorite black woman and white man celebrity couple? Take the poll! Give comments and advice:

 

How to Have Succesful Marriage – Ask Chauntel

I’m back and ready to share some useful tips for you!

First French Kiss Advice

Anna writes:

Hi Chauntel,

I have a boyfriend, and we have already kissed.  But now i think we will French Kiss. I really want to but don’t know how. I am really nervous and scared.

Please write me back if you can.
Big fan of yours. Love Anna
Hi Anna,
Thanks so much for your question. You made a very important statement, that you really want to. I want to make sure that, that is absolutely true because you should not be forced or encouraged into doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Screen Shot 2014-11-07 at 10.58.53 AMNow, I am not a kissing expert, haha. However, what I can tell you is that this is something that you learn in the moment. Just follow his lead, go with the flow. You will quickly learn.
Most importantly take it slow. There is nothing attractive about a forceful tongue, when force is not wanted or needed. So, don’t rush it just let it happen slowly. You will get the hang of it.
Remember, to protect yourself. His hands should stay around your waist, not above or below. If he tries any funny business. Politely move his hands back to where they should be. He will get the message. If not, there is something wrong with that picture.
Thanks for your support!
I Hope This Helps!
Chauntel
email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com Tweet/Insta @askchauntel

Help My Husband Is Addicted to Drugs

Lily Ann writes:

Dear Chauntel,

I d0n’t kn0w what do. I need advice. My husband is a drug abuser, and our relationship is not working. However, I love him and so do our children.

We have tried to come to an agreement, but it is useless. How long will I wait for him to be a good man and not always lie? I want to leave him, but its really hurtful. I don’t want to regret anything. I feel like it would be ruining my own family. I am also dealing with verbal abuse from him.

Please help me Chauntel!

Hi Lily Ann,

You are in a very difficult situation, and I am sorry that you have to endure such pain. However, I applaud you for admitting that this is a challenge in your lifScreen Shot 2014-10-30 at 1.20.16 PMe and seeking for a way to face it.

It is essential that your husband receives professional help. However, he has to be ready and willing to seek out this help. Neither you nor anyone else can make him change, it has to be a conscious decision that he wants to make in his life.

It reminds me of the metaphor, you can bring a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.

So here is my advice to you, seek some spiritual counseling for yourself and for your children. If you are not involved in a church I think now is a great time to introduce yourself and your children to the comfort and support that God brings.

Then, I want you to utilize the resources around you to get your husband the help that he needs and deserves. If he is willing to receive help great, you guys can work towards a positive future. If you are not able to find resources around you. I have a list of Crisis Help Resources here on my website that should be of use to you. Here is the link.

In addition, if he is causing harm to you and your children and is not in the mindset to receive help or make a change you will have to part ways with him. I know that this is a very difficult situation to be in, and no wife wants to leave her husband. However, you have to consider you and your children’s safety and well being.

I hope that he is willing to receive help to break this bad habit and find spiritual peace within himself as well, but it is truly his decision to make.

You can bring him to the water of life, but he has to choose to follow you and take the steps necessary to try to make a better life for you and your children.

If he does not, he will leave you with no choice but to part ways.

I will be praying for you and your family. I hope it works out, and I wish you all the best!

Peace and Love!

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com send questions to Insta/Twitter @askchauntel

Advice to Gabrielle Union – How to Marry a Man with Children – Celebrity Tuesdays

Screen Shot 2014-09-16 at 9.41.26 AMAdding to the tradition of expanding my blog topics. I will be writing love and life advice to celebrities on Tuesdays. Feel free to apply this advice to your life, love and relationships! BTW this was my husbands idea, and I have to hand it to him, he is awesome! Shout out to DavD Beats!

Here was my first post  in this category that I wrote to Kim and Kanye when they were married. The title of this post was: Advice to Kim Kardashian & Kayne West on How to Survive Year 1 of Marriage, CLICK TO READ

So here it goes!

Two beautiful and talented people tied the not last month, actress Gabrielle Union, 41, and Miami Heat player Dwyane Wade, 32. They celebrated their nuptials in Miami, Florida. It was a family affair which they shared with Dwyane’s adorable boys.

When you first get married there is a transition period where you get to know the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are expectations and realities that are not present in a dating relationship that you begin to learn and witness once you get married. The first year of marriage can be considered difficult because it is a transition period. Both parties are learning their new roles, while simultaneously still attempting to keep a sense of self.

Screen Shot 2014-09-16 at 9.32.45 AMThis becomes even more difficult when children are added to the equation because not only are you dealing with the transition into becoming a husband or a wife, but you also have to make a transition to be mommy and daddy. Doing this simultaneously can prove to be difficult. It forces you to take on twice as many responsibilities, and it can put a strain on your relationship. Therefore, it is essential that you handle it with care and stay flexible!

Having children in your life is a true blessing from God! As much of a blessing as they are, it takes hard work to be a parent. If you choose to marry into a family with children, you not only marry your spouse but you also marry their children. You should be prepared to be a parent and treat them fairly. You have to become self-less and learn that you have to show them love. You must also realize that this is going to be a slow growing process. There will be times where you will get along and other times where you will not see eye-to-eye. However, you must note that this is a full time job that you cannot choose to quit. You have to hang in there and build up the relationship.

If you are the spouse who is bringing the children into the new marriage, choose wisely. You should never choose to marry anyone who does not love and respect your children. If you do you will regret it and the marriage will be sour.

Screen Shot 2014-09-16 at 1.23.05 PMWhen considering time together with your spouse you must know that their time will be split between you and their children, and you should be happy with the fact that they love and want to take care of their children. If they don’t take care of their children what makes you think that they will take care of you?

With this in mind it is also important that both spouses set time aside for just the two of you. It is important that you have that bonding time, especially when you first get married. You must consider time with both your spouse and their children, who will now be called YOUR children. Many marriages struggle as a result of a difference of opinions on how to spend money and how to raise children.

As a result having children can add stress to a relationship, so it is absolutely essential that the bride and groom discuss their expectations long before the choose to get married. This way there are not any huge surprises, and with God’s help the rest can be communicated through! Always keep him at the center of your relationship, and the head of your children’s lives, and everything will work out just fine! In fact, you will find yourself to be a happy and healthy family!

Congrats to Gabrielle and Dwayne and all of you other newly married couples with children! We are rooting for ya!

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com