Advice Column: Relationship Q&A: Re: Ask E. Jean: I’m Not Interested In A Long Distance Relationship

I wanted to share my response to Ask E. Jean Caroll’s advice column from Elle magazine. Here is the question:

Dear E. Jean: I’m a 25-year-old marine biologist researching dolphins in Southern California. This past year, I met a man and have fallen very deeply in love. (I didn’t think I was capable of it!) He’s extremely kind, generous, considerate, passionate, thoughtful, attractive, outdoorsy, and adventurous. But he is soon moving to Colorado to pursue his career in the Rocky Mountains. I’m happy that he will be doing what he loves, Miss Eeee, but I’m so sad to lose him! He feels the same about me. I’m not interested in a long-distance relationship—it seems irrational to commit to someone when we have no future plans to live in the same area. I’m so frustrated by it all! He wants to be in the mountains, and my life is by the sea. What are we to do? —Sidetracked in SoCal

Ask Chauntel Response:

Dear Sidetrack in SoCal,

What an exciting career that you have! Now, let me tell you love will make you do crazy things 🙂

If you are ready to be serious with him forget about your long distance limit, and try dating him while he is in the mountains. It will give you both time to see if you are ready for the next step, marriage. Once he is gone for a bit, you will know if you cannot see life without him. That way you will be confident in your decision on if he is the right one to make this huge change for and leave with no regrets. If you rush it before you are absolutely sure, then you might build resentment overtime.

So test out the process, brainstorm alternative careers in the mountains, visit him there and imagine if you can see yourself on the mountain peak away from sea. Then you will know if it is right. Love is worth a chance!

If you will be heartbroken from being separated from the thing you love most, then it would mean he is not the one. At least, you will know that love is possible for you!

If you think you can leave the sea for the mountain peak then my sister I tell you can find other creative ways to use your scientific knowledge out there, and hey if you are in SoCal the beach isn’t too far from the mountains so maybe you buy a home in both places and visit between together! What a fun life you will have!

There are ways to make love and career work together splendidly, the question is, is he the one worth the trouble? If the answer is yes then be flexible, and run away with the prince to find life as a forester fun and exciting. Who knows what adventures await!

Read E Jean’s response here.

Give Advice:

Don’t forget to give your advice on Sidetrack in SoCal’s relationship question below. This is a “Q and A” style response.

▶️ SUGGESTED VIDEO POST: Ask Ask Chauntel Radio: I Just Had My First Heartbreak — Where Do I Go From Here? Re: to Ask E Jean https://askchauntel.com/2019/11/02/ask-ask-chauntel-radio-i-just-had-my-first-heartbreak-where-do-i-go-from-here-re-to-ask-e-jean/

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I Don’t Like My Bestfriend Anymore as a Boyfriend- Help

16-year-old Cecie writes:

Hey Chauntel,

I just had my first relationship with my best friend, and I like him. He is very good, but I kinda feel weird to act romantic and stuff. So most of the time, I avoid it. I feel like I’d rather be more of his best friend than a girlfriend. So I really don’t know what to do plz help. I am kinda having second thoughts about it.

Hi Cecie!

Yikes! This is a tough situation to be in. I would say, once you overstep that friendship boundary it can be difficult to go back.

When I read your question, it immediately made me think of a rubber-band as a metaphor.

I have three possible scenarios for you. Let’s say that your relationship is the rubber-band.

ImageThe first scenario is you  pull  the rubber-band so far apart that it immediately breaks. O’Boy does that hurt! If he is “falling” for you it will be very difficult for your relationship to spring back from “romantic” to “friend-zone”. He may be so hurt by it that he walks away completely, because of a broken heart.

The second scenario is you have pulled the rubber-band so far apart and although it did not quite break,  it stretched. Meaning, the original fibers no longer go back into place as they once were. At that point there is nothing you can quite do about it, but try to build from where you are.

Occasionally, when you stretch a rubber-band it may spring back into its original shape. Therefore,  depending on how strong your friendship is, it could go back to how it was before, but only time will tell. And it is very unlikely that your relationship will not suffer any damages from these changes. Once you decide to to transition your relationship from “friend” to “romance” going back the other way again is nearly impossible without any change occurring within the relationship. I am very doubtful that it will.

Image
by Ambro

In these situations, there is usually one person whose feelings are stronger than the other.

He might find it difficult to ignore the fact that the dynamics of the relationship have changed. It may be that his feelings may have grown too strong for you at this point, or there is also the possibility that he feels exactly the same way and also doesn’t see the sparks flying. In this case he will be open to walking back into a friendship. He is the only one who can tell you how he feels, and only time will tell how he will react.

So, what should you do? Give it some time until you really know how you feel. At this point, you don’t sound too sure about how you feel. Speaking against the relationship before you truly know how you feel could be detrimental. I would wait it out for a little while. Once your feelings are more clear you have to verbalize them to him.

You have to first be honest with yourself, then you have to be honest with him. If he really values your friendship he will work through it. He might need some time to adjust, and you need to give him that time.

I Hope This Helps!

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Should I Break-up With My Boyfriend?

B writes:
Hi Chauntel,
I’ve noticed more and more lately that my bf is not the man I thought he was.
I was initially attracted to him when we began dating a year ago because he seemed so adult: gentleman, home owner, good job, responsible, etc. Then I feel in love because he’s sweet, caring, affectionate etc.
Lately though, I’m kinds “getting over it.” He doesn’t have money to take me on a date, but he has money to buy weed! Among other things…

I think the real kicker was a talk we had a month ago. We have different time frames when we want to marry each other (at least we want to marry each other lol). I think in 3 years is appropriate and he thinks in about 7-9++ who  His logic? He wants to grow up more, go to school, make more money. I respect that, BUT I see no initiative! I’ve gone with him to look at schools, for example, and he like…doesn’t follow through. So he says he wants to become a better person before he gets married, and I appreciate that…but I don’t see him doing anything about it. It’s like all talk.

Now I know better than to try to change his mind. I guess my question is, is it time to move on? I’m young and have no intention of wasting my precious 20s on someone who is all talk no walk with his drive/motivation, and who has money for drugs but not for dates etc.
Like I said, I was attracted because I thought he was grown up and I fell in love because of his heart. His heart is still golden, and I still love him. I guess my attraction is fading though because of this. Maybe the realization that we’re on not different paths but different paces left a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe his drug use it starting to get to me (I knew it from the first date though so I can’t pretend to be shocked). Maybe our differences are becoming more evident as we pass the one year mark.
Any perspective will give me a clearer head. Thanks Chauntel!
Screen Shot 2013-09-08 at 9.06.07 PMHello B!
I am going to take your question and answer it piece by piece. 
In response to your statement: 
“I’ve noticed more and more lately that my bf is not the man I thought he was.”
When this becomes a reality, we sometimes ignore it because we are so attached emotionally that we don’t want to let go. However, to be completely transparent with yourself and admit that he isn’t who you would wish for him to be, is monumental. With this knowledge, you also have to recognize the fact that you cannot change him, and you cannot romanticize over who you thought he was. In fact, in order to stay in a healthy relationship with someone you have to love the person that they are. 
 
He is a druggy. I understand that “weed” may not be considered as a serious drug to most. BUT… It is still a drug, and it is still illegal. Also,  weed is usually a gateway into other drugs. Unfortunately, this problem will probably not only persist, but get worse. Not only that, but fact that he is not meeting your needs, and is instead spending all of his resources on drugs, is a window for you to see into the bad choices that he is making in his life.
With this information, as much as you might try to settle it in your mind, and justify his actions(we as women do this often) you cannot turn the other cheek.
You deserve better, much better.
As far as talks of marriage, you shouldn’t marry someone who is making you feel this way. First off, you shouldn’t marry him because, you don’t like who he is as a person. (personal choices, career choices, choices concerning you…etc..) Second, you shouldn’t marry him because, he doesn’t appreciate who you are. Lastly, you shouldn’t marry him because, he isn’t serious about your relationship or your feelings because if he was, he would not be telling you that he will marry you in distant years like 7 to 9 years. Those numbers tell me that you two value different things in life.
When you choose to marry someone, all of your values and beliefs may not match completely, but they should be really, really close. Otherwise you will run into even more problems.
I would say, that your women’s intuition is speaking to you, and letting you know that although it feels good to have a relationship, and you like the idea of who you thought he was, this is not going well. It cannot be ignored. If you continue in this relationship, you will be settling. And my oh my, is that bad!
You deserve to have a man who will sweep you off of your feet, and this guy isn’t even trying. So, to you I say, yep it’s time to walk away. 
Being friends probably won’t work because your feelings run too deep. It’s already going to be hard enough to walk away, but you will be a stronger women for it. I wish you all the blessing and all the love in the world.
I Hope This Helps!
Chauntel
email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com
 

I Want Out of My Relationship

Darrah writes,
Hi Chauntel!
I’ve had dreams about me kissing my friend,  but I’ve got a boyfriend. I do feel for my friend, but not in a love way. It’s happened a couple of times and maybe its because I’ve been unsure.
If I want to break up with him because I never see him, and he’s not good at the long distance thing. I live in Aberdare in Wales, and he lives in Newport about and hour and 45 minute drive so can you give me any help.
Hi Darrah,
When you dream it’s your unconscious coming to light. However, conscious or not you have already made it clear that you are ready to let go of your boyfriend.
The distance doesn’t make this any easier. There is no need to drag this out, whether or not you have feelings for your friend, if you want to let go of the realtionship you are in then you have to be brave and do it.
It is not fair to either you or your boyfriend to stay in this relationship if you do not have true feelings for him. So you have to be honest with him, and let him know how you feel, honestly and truly. You can do it. Just pick the appropriate place and time. I hope that you can do this in person. Try to wait until you see him before you break the news.
I Hope This Helps!
Chauntel
Email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com