Today let’s dive into relationship questions Jewels! We have an advice column question from Peter.
28-year-old Peter from New Jersey, US writes:
What do you personally think if a man were to ask his Ex Girlfriend for money? Do you think it is wise?
My Follow-up question to Peter,
What is the relationship with the girlfriend?
His response: To be honest she was sweet & caring but unfortunately cheated.
When a man breaks-up with his girlfriend that means that all ties that he had to her should be broken unless there was some other agreement between the two individuals. Considering the reason for the break-up, a clean break was likely. The exception to this rule is if there is a child involved. Otherwise, it will be difficult from him to move on.
Your question was written in the third person, but let’s just assume that man is you. Now, I am going to talk in the first person.
It is unwise for you to ask your ex girlfriend for money especially when she has cheated on you. It will only complicate things further within the relationship. It might well be the reason she cheated in the first place. Women like to trust their men as the provider. Once you start using her as a financial crutch you have lost that respect.
So pick up a second job, get a side hustle, go to your family and friends in a pinch, not to her. In a woman’s mind, he should be taking care of things. He should at least be able to stand on his own two feet. You are not standing on your own two feet if you are needing money from her.
If you start this process it is likely to become a pattern, and it is not one that I want to see you begin for yourself. The time is now to make a change in your life where you can provide for a woman, not depend on a woman to provide for you.
Let Me Know if This Helps!
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So Nicki Minaj busted a move on Safaree Samuels, her longtime now X-“boyfriend’s car”, during an argument this past summer. It is rumored that the conversation got quite loud and heated.
In the heat of the conversation, she chased him out of the house with a bat, trashed his clothes, and destroyed the Benz that he drove.
The cops were called, but why didn’t she get arrested? She owned the Mercedes Benz that she trashed with the bat, and you cannot be punished for destroying your own property. No arrests were made, and he was escorted out of the house and left. They broke up soon after.
Now, I am not encouraging violence, but if you have a bad break up and you need to get some anger out, take a note from Nicki, don’t physically harm the person, find something else to get your frustration out with. And like Nicki, if you decide to destroy the car that they drive, just make sure it is in your name, hahaha.
Good one Nicki! Now, she doesn’t have to worry about him driving around with another chick in the passenger seat of the car that she bought. Oh young love!
Always remember, what goes around comes around so treat the people in your life right. Or else, you will reap what you sow. Sow good seeds lads, sow good seeds. – TAKE THE POLL BELOW
Peace and Love!
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Khloe Kardashian has endured a lot of heartache and pain during her time on “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. She has experienced a self-identity crisis, a quick and complicated marriage that was always under scrutiny, and a messy divorce. To top it all off her new relationship with, Moroccan born rapper, French Montana has encountered a change, from boyfriend to friend.
Khloe says that she and French Montana are still on good terms. In an interview with Us Weekly, Khloe stated: “I love memories…and I still talk to him. There’s no bad blood or anything.”
We can definitely take a few notes from Khloe. Relationships can be very tricky, romantic or otherwise. At times we do not control whether they will end well or cause grave confusion afterward. However, if we have a chance to preserve the integrity of the relationship we must take that chance.
Although, every romantic relationship will not endure to the end, we must do our best to make the best of the situation. Even-though two people may choose to part, they must do their best to keep the peace. If they burn the bridge between them, which once housed their relationship, they may find that one-day they need to revisit that path again, only to remember that their mistakes left them with nothing to return to. Even if the person you are with is not the bridge you need to cross, they may be connected to it. Which means that burning the first bridge, destroyed any possibility of crossing the next.
The 6 Degrees of Separation Theory can have a huge effect here. It explains that we are connected, the world over, and only separated by no more than 6 people between us. Scary if you think about it huh? Well, this further proves my point, don’t be that person that destroys everything and everyone in your path. Instead, take the high road, if for nothing else but a display of your great character. You will be a better person for it!
Peace and Love!
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I was hoping for advice on how to get my life on track and be healthy, happy again after being completely depressed and devastated from my ex of one year breaking up with me. Life has just been really hard lately, and I just have no motivation for anything anymore. Thank you so much Chauntel!
Thanks so much for your question. When relationships don’t work out the way that we would like for them to,it can be very painful. Sometimes when that hurt goes really deep within us we can slowly become more and more depressed.
It is for this reason that some people are afraid to get into committed relationships. They are afraid of getting hurt. However, we cannot allow our emotions to define our actions. We must push through them until we reach a place of acceptance and let go of what once was to feel what is.
You remember the good times, and keep those memories, then you make the decision to create new ones.
Here is the reality. Love is beautiful, and when it leaves we will feel pain. Instead of allowing the pain to overtake us we must take each relationship as a learning experience, and learn from them what we can. Then we should begin focusing time on ourselves and finding what truly makes us happy.
Sometimes we may not feel like being happy. You may not have the appetite to eat, or have the energy to get out of bed, but we have to push through that. Eventually the pain will subside and you will actually begin enjoying the things that you used to, and even appreciate life that much more.
So, you have to push through it girl! You are going to get through this, and you have to believe that. It starts with you believing that you can, and just doing it. Wake up every morning with a smile on your face and eventually you will be happy. Prepare your favorite meal and you will eat it.
I just watched your video on YouTube answering someone’s question on how to get over your first love and I just wanted to tell you my story and see if you could give me some advice when you have the time.
When I was 14 I went out with a boy called James. We were only together for 2 months but I was amazed by him I thought I’d found my soul mate.
We broke up because things weren’t working out and when I look back now I feel that was the right decision because I was just too young and dumb to know the ins and outs of a relationship and how to really treat someone you love.
The last time I saw him back then was valentines day 2012 and that broke my heart as that is a special day to anyone in a relationship! A year went by and and James and I started talking on text and we became really close friends however I still hadn’t seen him since the day he broke up with me. I saw him February 2013 at a party and we got along so well. We spoke the whole night and then one thing led to another and we were kissing by the end of the night. A couple of parties later, the same thing would happen and we both started to realise we wanted to give “us” another go.
In March 2013 James asked me to be his girlfriend again. (I’m 16 so I felt the time was right). I said yes of course and the relationship was great for the first few months! I gave him everything as I really wanted him to be the one. He was my first for everything (and sex). I guess we had sex early on in the relationship it was about 3-4 months in to it. We both felt that the time was right and I loved him so so much so I wanted to do it and so did he.
The day before our 6 month anniversary, James broke up with me (this was only a couple of weeks ago). His reason is that he just wants to be a teenager and have fun with his mates and then find a relationship later on in life. He said he thought he could have a serious relationship but he realised he couldn’t. This has broken my heart! Everyday I think about him constantly and I can’t get him out of my mind. I wanted him to be “the one”. I love him to death, I really do and I just can’t cope with how I’m feeling. I just want him back.
It doesn’t help seeing him talking to another girl over twitter and posting pictures of himself with her. It makes me sick because he broke up with me because he doesn’t want a relationship yet he’s getting close to another girl, and so soon!!
All of my friends have gone now because we were in one big group but now they’re all doing their own thing and going with James as well. I have no one but my mum and I’m lucky to have her but I just feel so lonely.
I’ve started to take things out on myself and I’m scratching my wrists with sharp objects and I don’t even know why. It makes me feel better at the time and then I just feel down because I ask myself “why are you doing this?!”
I am still messaging him and I know he doesn’t like it because he’s getting annoyed with me constantly telling him i cant cope and how much i miss him but he never contacts me now and it makes me feel horrible because for 6 months we were so close and now its like i don’t even exist to him anymore.
I can’t cope. I just want him back but I don’t know what to do. If I could go back in time a couple of months everything would be perfect. It’s crazy how I can be so happy one minute and now all my dreams have just crashed down. I’ve never felt so low.
I hope you can help.
Getting over your first love is a very difficult situation to overcome. However, the majority of us have to face this reality. Why? Well, although young love can be quite fun and exciting. It is usually short lived. Now, don’t get me wrong it doesn’t always work out this way, but this is usually the reality.
The video that you watched, told the story of a girl who had a story almost identical to yours.
This is what you need to do. You need to find the strength deep within yourself to let him go. I know that, that seems nearly impossible. I also understand that you cannot imagine a reality where you are not head over heels in love with this guy, but it is time to begin imagining this is a possibility. From there you will grow into acceptance, where you can begin accepting that this romantic relationship is truly over. Once you do, you will be able to move forward.
Why must you accept it? Well, you are in a state of denial. You are reminiscing on what was and comparing that to what it could have been instead of focusing on what is. What is is, he cared about you enough to let you go. Now that may seem confusing, but it is not. He was honest and straightforward about how he felt about you. What more can you ask for?
Don’t take it personal, he didn’t want a commitment. I know that that is disheartening. I know you are probably thinking, “How could he? Why would he. We had something wonderful”, and you did. So, instead, of beating yourself up about it appreciate the relationship for what it was, take what you learned from it and continue moving forward.
This whole situation is completely under your control. Now, you cannot control his current and future relationships. BUT what you can do is take ahold of your own life and relationships. Hurting yourself absolutely will not bring him back. Twitter stalking will also not bring him back. If I were you I would stop following him on Twitter entirely. This way you won’t have to see his post. Also, note that, being clingy will drive him further away.
Honestly, do you even want him back? Considering that he doesn’t want a commitment, and you cannot stand to see him with someone else, I think not.
You will find a guy who wants the same things as you do, and when you do you will remember this relationship as a distant past-time that had an effect on you when you were 14.
Harming yourself as a result of your feelings for him, is just not fair to you. You have to change your state of mind, and I want you to get help for you NSSI (Non Suicidal Self-Injury). Although, It is how you have chosen to deal with the pain its time to make a change in your life. Harming yourself physically will only result in more pain.
So here is what I need for you to do, if you are comfortable with it, let your parents know that you need to see a therapist . That way you can be treated for NSSI. If that is too bold a move, and you are not comfortable talking to your parents about this, please go see your school psychologist.
I’ve noticed more and more lately that my bf is not the man I thought he was.
I was initially attracted to him when we began dating a year ago because he seemed so adult: gentleman, home owner, good job, responsible, etc. Then I feel in love because he’s sweet, caring, affectionate etc.
Lately though, I’m kinds “getting over it.” He doesn’t have money to take me on a date, but he has money to buy weed! Among other things…
I think the real kicker was a talk we had a month ago. We have different time frames when we want to marry each other (at least we want to marry each other lol). I think in 3 years is appropriate and he thinks in about 7-9++ who His logic? He wants to grow up more, go to school, make more money. I respect that, BUT I see no initiative! I’ve gone with him to look at schools, for example, and he like…doesn’t follow through. So he says he wants to become a better person before he gets married, and I appreciate that…but I don’t see him doing anything about it. It’s like all talk.
Now I know better than to try to change his mind. I guess my question is, is it time to move on? I’m young and have no intention of wasting my precious 20s on someone who is all talk no walk with his drive/motivation, and who has money for drugs but not for dates etc.
Like I said, I was attracted because I thought he was grown up and I fell in love because of his heart. His heart is still golden, and I still love him. I guess my attraction is fading though because of this. Maybe the realization that we’re on not different paths but different paces left a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe his drug use it starting to get to me (I knew it from the first date though so I can’t pretend to be shocked). Maybe our differences are becoming more evident as we pass the one year mark.
Any perspective will give me a clearer head. Thanks Chauntel!
I am going to take your question and answer it piece by piece.
In response to your statement:
“I’ve noticed more and more lately that my bf is not the man I thought he was.”
When this becomes a reality, we sometimes ignore it because we are so attached emotionally that we don’t want to let go. However, to be completely transparent with yourself and admit that he isn’t who you would wish for him to be, is monumental. With this knowledge, you also have to recognize the fact that you cannot change him, and you cannot romanticize over who you thought he was. In fact, in order to stay in a healthy relationship with someone you have to love the person that they are.
He is a druggy. I understand that “weed” may not be considered as a serious drug to most. BUT… It is still a drug, and it is still illegal. Also, weed is usually a gateway into other drugs. Unfortunately, this problem will probably not only persist, but get worse. Not only that, but fact that he is not meeting your needs, and is instead spending all of his resources on drugs, is a window for you to see into the bad choices that he is making in his life.
With this information, as much as you might try to settle it in your mind, and justify his actions(we as women do this often) you cannot turn the other cheek.
You deserve better, much better.
As far as talks of marriage, you shouldn’t marry someone who is making you feel this way. First off, you shouldn’t marry him because, you don’t like who he is as a person. (personal choices, career choices, choices concerning you…etc..) Second, you shouldn’t marry him because, he doesn’t appreciate who you are. Lastly, you shouldn’t marry him because, he isn’t serious about your relationship or your feelings because if he was, he would not be telling you that he will marry you in distant years like 7 to 9 years. Those numbers tell me that you two value different things in life.
When you choose to marry someone, all of your values and beliefs may not match completely, but they should be really, really close. Otherwise you will run into even more problems.
I would say, that your women’s intuition is speaking to you, and letting you know that although it feels good to have a relationship, and you like the idea of who you thought he was, this is not going well. It cannot be ignored. If you continue in this relationship, you will be settling. And my oh my, is that bad!
You deserve to have a man who will sweep you off of your feet, and this guy isn’t even trying. So, to you I say, yep it’s time to walk away.
Being friends probably won’t work because your feelings run too deep. It’s already going to be hard enough to walk away, but you will be a stronger women for it. I wish you all the blessing and all the love in the world.
I’ve had dreams about me kissing my friend, but I’ve got a boyfriend. I do feel for my friend, but not in a love way. It’s happened a couple of times and maybe its because I’ve been unsure.
If I want to break up with him because I never see him, and he’s not good at the long distance thing. I live in Aberdare in Wales, and he lives in Newport about and hour and 45 minute drive so can you give me any help.
When you dream it’s your unconscious coming to light. However, conscious or not you have already made it clear that you are ready to let go of your boyfriend.
The distance doesn’t make this any easier. There is no need to drag this out, whether or not you have feelings for your friend, if you want to let go of the realtionship you are in then you have to be brave and do it.
It is not fair to either you or your boyfriend to stay in this relationship if you do not have true feelings for him. So you have to be honest with him, and let him know how you feel, honestly and truly. You can do it. Just pick the appropriate place and time. I hope that you can do this in person. Try to wait until you see him before you break the news.