Amaryah from California writes,
Hi Chauntel,
I have a serious question about my partner. He’s a great person. Protective. A leader. Hard working and all the important stuff. We have been together 4 years and are getting married in 3 months. Since we have gotten engaged, his family has taken a turn for the worst!
For instance:
-My partner and I were in escrow for a house. His mom called me over alone to pick up some necessary documents. She used the opportunity of us being alone to tell me off and disrespect me. She insulted me as a woman and adult. My fiancé told her she can’t talk to me like that but her behavior never really changed.
– The next time I was alone with his mom, she told me it is my duty as a woman to have sex with her son and wear lingerie for him. My sex life is none of her business, and he and I are not married yet. I know she doesn’t talk to her daughters that way. My boundaries of respect were violated.
-His father constantly insults (or back handed compliments) my family. He once told me I’m beautiful and it’s a shame my sisters are ugly. He also told me he hopes I don’t end up rude like mother. And once he said I look pregnant! (I am very fit and he knows I’m working hard for a wedding dress body. It was a calculated insult).
– My in-laws constantly would ask be about children before the wedding date was even set. This is an insult to me because I was raised to wait until marriage to have children and they know that. They raised their family in that way too. I don’t see them asking their daughters those kind of questions
-My partner’s oldest sister invited me to a night out to get to know me better and invited a girl she tried to set my man up with! It was hazing before he proposed a month later
– His family is drama. That same sister accused him of prioritizing me over his family. Like yes the Bible says he’s supposed to leave his family of origin to start a new life with me.
– I tried winning them over/impressing them by offering to cook Mother’s Day lunch. His mom constantly questioned my home making skills (in my culture, that is an insult to my womanhood). He and I both assured her it would be my pleasure to cook. She still cooked anyway and his sisters made it a point to taunt me that she cooked.
This is just some examples. There are so many instances of disrespect towards me as a future daughter in law. His family completely changed once he put a ring on it. I used to be cool with them and it all changed once we were engaged and bought a home. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to take him away from his family but I also cannot put up with this behavior until death do us part. I’m beginning to have second thoughts even about children. If they are over bearing and possessive of him now, imagine how they will behave when I have children?
I want a successful relationship with my man. But I don’t know what to do. He’s tried talking to them on my behalf. I stand up for self when they make comments about me. But they just don’t stop. My only idea is to no longer visit them or see them. But I know that will be hard on my partner. I can’t just grin and bear it. Their behavior has literally given me panic attacks (I panic in private)
How do I let go of my resentment towards his family in order to have a successful relationship with my future husband? Do you think our relationship stands any chance? How do I get his family to stop disrespecting me? I feel really hopeless. People divorce over in laws after all.
I should also note: He’s protective of them. When I had panic attacks, he thought I was being dramatic and overly critical of his family. I don’t want him to chose sides but I feel for the past 4 years, he has taken their side over mine in every instance. The recent Mother’s Day event, when his mother was insulting my cooking abilities (they all ended up loving the food by the way!!), he even asked, well why did u offer????
He’s getting a little better at standing up for me but I just don’t know what to. I feel really lost and down about it and hopeless about my relationship. The worst part is, I think this is what the want in the end. To break us up and have him all to themselves again. How can I forgive people who refuse to admit to what they do or even apologize?
He also supported them financially until he bought a house with me….
Hello Amaryah,
This is a very difficult situation that you are in, and I am so glad that you asked the question. Many women deal with difficult in laws, and I believe they can also learn from your situation. Just know that you are not alone in this.
First of all congrats on your wedding and finding a suitable groom to marry.
Here is the bottom line when it comes to his family, he has to be the one to fix it. He has to understand your perspective and defend your position with them. You cannot do this successfully for a number of reasons.
If you try to stand up against his family, in the way that he should stand up for you, you run a chance of him being upset with you. You may also say or do something that will sever your relationship with them for good. What we hope for is a possible positive future between you and your in laws. I believe that with some positive communication and time this is still possible.
It appears that your mother-in-law is pinning her family against you, and doing her best to get rid of you. I think you should hang in there as long as he is willing to stand up for you.
If he does not become understanding and sympathetic towards your position, then I think you will find it difficult to be in a marriage with him.
And yes, you are very wise, when children are added to the picture it will be even more difficult this is why he has to nip it in the bud now.
So, the only person who can fix this is him, and if he doesn’t do it now, you might have to consider if you want to go into a life long marriage with this type of animosity between you and your in-laws.
It is normal to have some resistance in these relationships, but not to the point where you are having panic attacks and dealing with all of this verbal abuse.
To your question of if you can just stay away from them, no, it seems that they are close and you don’t want to unlink him from his family completely that will make him unhappy and possibly give him resentment towards you.
As you mentioned, yes, the Bible does say, for the man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife in Matthew 19:5. That simply expresses that he has to be the one to get this situation under control.
If he is a man of God, and you are in a Christian Relationship then he should do this without a problem. If he is not, then you are about to face a more challenges.
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I Hope This Helps!
Chauntel
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