How to Deal with – Mother in Law – Christian Dating Advice

Amaryah from California writes,

Hi Chauntel,

I have a serious question about my partner. He’s a great person. Protective. A leader. Hard working and all the important stuff. We have been together 4 years and are getting married in 3 months. Since we have gotten engaged, his family has taken a turn for the worst!

For instance:
-My partner and I were in escrow for a house. His mom called me over alone to pick up some necessary documents. She used the opportunity of us being alone to tell me off and disrespect me. She insulted me as a woman and adult. My fiancé told her she can’t talk to me like that but her behavior never really changed.
– The next time I was alone with his mom, she told me it is my duty as a woman to have sex with her son and wear lingerie for him. My sex life is none of her business, and he and I are not married yet. I know she doesn’t talk to her daughters that way. My boundaries of respect were violated.

-His father constantly insults (or back handed compliments) my family. He once told me I’m beautiful and it’s a shame my sisters are ugly. He also told me he hopes I don’t end up rude like mother. And once he said I look pregnant! (I am very fit and he knows I’m working hard for a wedding dress body. It was a calculated insult).

– My in-laws constantly would ask be about children before the wedding date was even set. This is an insult to me because I was raised to wait until marriage to have children and they know that. They raised their family in that way too. I don’t see them asking their daughters those kind of questions

-My partner’s oldest sister invited me to a night out to get to know me better and invited a girl she tried to set my man up with! It was hazing before he proposed a month later

– His family is drama. That same sister accused him of prioritizing me over his family. Like yes the Bible says he’s supposed to leave his family of origin to start a new life with me.
– I tried winning them over/impressing them by offering to cook Mother’s Day lunch. His mom constantly questioned my home making skills (in my culture, that is an insult to my womanhood). He and I both assured her it would be my pleasure to cook. She still cooked anyway and his sisters made it a point to taunt me that she cooked.

This is just some examples. There are so many instances of disrespect towards me as a future daughter in law. His family completely changed once he put a ring on it. I used to be cool with them and it all changed once we were engaged and bought a home. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to take him away from his family but I also cannot put up with this behavior until death do us part. I’m beginning to have second thoughts even about children. If they are over bearing and possessive of him now, imagine how they will behave when I have children?

I want a successful relationship with my man. But I don’t know what to do. He’s tried talking to them on my behalf. I stand up for self when they make comments about me. But they just don’t stop. My only idea is to no longer visit them or see them. But I know that will be hard on my partner. I can’t just grin and bear it. Their behavior has literally given me panic attacks (I panic in private)

How do I let go of my resentment towards his family in order to have a successful relationship with my future husband? Do you think our relationship stands any chance? How do I get his family to stop disrespecting me? I feel really hopeless. People divorce over in laws after all.

I should also note: He’s protective of them. When I had panic attacks, he thought I was being dramatic and overly critical of his family. I don’t want him to chose sides but I feel for the past 4 years, he has taken their side over mine in every instance. The recent Mother’s Day event, when his mother was insulting my cooking abilities (they all ended up loving the food by the way!!), he even asked, well why did u offer????

He’s getting a little better at standing up for me but I just don’t know what to. I feel really lost and down about it and hopeless about my relationship. The worst part is, I think this is what the want in the end. To break us up and have him all to themselves again. How can I forgive people who refuse to admit to what they do or even apologize?

He also supported them financially until he bought a house with me….

pexels-photo-219776Hello Amaryah,

This is a very difficult situation that you are in, and I am so glad that you asked the question. Many women deal with difficult in laws, and I believe they can also learn from your situation. Just know that you are not alone in this. 

First of all congrats on your wedding and finding a suitable groom to marry.

Here is the bottom line when it comes to his family, he has to be the one to fix it. He has to understand your perspective and defend your position with them. You cannot do this successfully for a number of reasons.

If you try to stand up against his family, in the way that he should stand up for you, you run a chance of him being upset with you. You may also say or do something that will sever your relationship with them for good. What we hope for is a possible positive future between you and your in laws. I believe that with some positive communication and time this is still possible.

It appears that your mother-in-law is pinning her family against you, and doing her best to get rid of you. I think you should hang in there as long as he is willing to stand up for you.

If he does not become understanding and sympathetic towards your position, then I think you will find it difficult to be in a marriage with him.

And yes, you are very wise, when children are added to the picture it will be even more difficult this is why he has to nip it in the bud now.

So, the only person who can fix this is him, and if he doesn’t do it now, you might have to consider if you want to go into a life long marriage with this type of animosity between you and your in-laws.

It is normal to have some resistance in these relationships, but not to the point where you are having panic attacks and dealing with all of this verbal abuse.

To your question of if you can just stay away from them, no, it seems that they are close and you don’t want to unlink him from his family completely that will make him unhappy and possibly give him resentment towards you.

As you mentioned, yes, the Bible does say, for the man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife in Matthew 19:5. That simply expresses that he has to be the one to get this situation under control.

If he is a man of God, and you are in a Christian Relationship then he should do this without a problem. If he is not, then you are about to face a more challenges.

I offer Private Coaching, if you so desire! Click here for more info!

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

Email Me Questions: askchauntel@gmail.com

 

What Do Men Really Want – Christian Relationship Advice for Women

I share Christian Relationship Tips in this video on how to make a man miss you! If you want to set relationship goals to make him miss you this is an relationship advice video will be of great assistance! I hope you enjoy these relationship tips and share them with others!

Proverbs 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. 

How to Be a Good Wife – Christian Marriage – Happy Marriage

In this video I share my relationship tips on being a good wife. There are some specific things to consider when trying to build a happy marriage. I am Christian, and I therefore have Christian values. These tips will help you build a Healthy Christian Marriage.

Email me questions to askchauntel@gmail.com
Vote in the Poll: https://askchauntel.com/2017/03/28/poll-vote-are-you-married/

 

How to Not be a Rebound – Ask Chauntel

Terrance writes:

Dear Chauntel,

Ok so I started dating this girl right after she broke up with ger BF of two years, we’ve been going together for a month and I fell in love with her, I dont want to get hurt, what to do…

Hi Terrance,

Coming into a new relationship with someone when they have just come out of one can be difficult.

It takes a lot of patience on your part because you have to be understanding of what she is feeling. Beyond that you must also be aware that she may or may not be in the best emotional state to be receiving a relationship.

With all that in mind how can you ensure that you don’t get hurt and don’t end up a rebound? You cannot. However, you can take these precautions.

If you feel that the person that you are in the relationship is not ready for commitment, don’t try to pressure them into it. Guard your heart as much as you can while you wait it out. It will be easy for them to throw themselves into their new relationship and ignore what they are feeling from their past relationship. It is up to you to be aware of that, and take things slow.

Don’t rush into anything serious until you are confident that they have left their last relationship in the past. If you build a friendship with your lover slowly you will be in tune with what they are feeling. When you feel that youchauntelavatar are both on the same level of thinking and feeling then the two of you can slowly start moving into a more committed relationship, but not before.

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

Send your questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

http://www.askchauntel.com

Is He Too Busy For Me? – Relationship Advice – Ask Chauntel

Hi Chauntel,

We talked everyday over Facebook for like 2 in a half months. For a few weeks he’s now too busy. He has work, school, boxing. I’m understanding about it to a certain extent. I’m a Scorpio so I told him I demand attention before we got involved. Which is true! That’s my nature, I told him how I felt and he feels strongly about me too so he says. He just said that everything else comes first. So in my head this is how I perceive our situation.
3 months ago.Him: Hey, your really pretty. So I’m going to give you all my time, I’m going to have long conversations. I’m going to compliment you and give you millions of you cute nicknames without coming across as an ***. You’ll like me cause I’ll reply back multiple times in a day and we’ll have fun conversations.
Image
Me: AwwwHim: I’m mainly doing this cause nothing’s going on in my life. When something happens I’ll slowly stop telling you things. And because we were never official and this is a long distance thing we can just be friends. But I still like you! It’s just something grabbed my attention more than you’re doing now. So just be happy that we’re talking there’s no rush.Me: Okay, so I was just the latest toy on the shelf. You have new ones that you like better but don’t want to throw me away due to sentimental value, however you’re going to leave me on here to rot?This is how I perceive everything. He’s an amazing guy, the best I’ve ever encountered but he doesn’t even reply back in the same day, sometimes 2 days. He says I’m being obsessive which I can be and was being lately do to the fact I feel like he’s ignoring me. He says he’s not, that he’s just busy.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like we’re in a relationship without being in a relationship. I want to end it but then I don’t because he is so amazing. I just feel like if your life was so busy and you knew how I felt/was (I was very straight forward in the beginning) why would you even continue to speak to me. I know he has a life, I don’t want all his time. I just want to know his life because there is still so much we don’t know about each other. Also I don’t want to just give up when things don’t work, life isn’t about taking the easy route. But I’m considering moving on, without telling him. Like keeping my options open, talking to other guys, finding myself. Just having fun, cause he’s obviously too busy with his life. What should I do?

Hey Love,

Well….The guy is busy and that is a good thing. That means he has a passion about something. Give him time. Don’t pressure him too much. The point is that he is including you and that matters.

It may not be all you want, but as long as he is giving you time and making you feel appreciated that is all you can ask  for.

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

http://www.askchauntel.com

I Have Liked Her Forever….What Now?

22-year-old Jethro from New Jersey writes:

Hi Chauntel,

I have this young Lady in my church who I am interested in. She has been going to my church since 2009. I remember telling her I liked her in that same year and her not knowing how to respond because she barely knew me. This was all of course four years ago.  I am interested in I like her for more than her beauty. I genuinely feel and see a radiant beauty from her I like her and what to be more than friends what do you think I should do.

Hi Jethro,

It looks like it is time for you to act on your emotions. If you don’t she might get scooped up by someone else. Since you go to the same church, I am sure that you have interacted a bit. The next step is to approach her, and let her know that you are interested in getting to know her a little better. Go for it dude! What are you waiting for? However, be prepared that if she is not interested in you, you have to accept that and take it as an opportunity to move on.

Here are a couple of videos that I have made on similar topics below!

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

Dating Tips for Shy/Quite Boys

How to Approach a Girl

Video: How to let go of her? – Relationship Advice – Ask Chauntel

Chauntel explains what he must do to get over her. How does he stop thinking and longing for her? Watch! Askchauntel@gmail.com

Ask Chauntel Diary Entry

There is something that I thought about today that really inspired me.

I realized its ok to be me completely, 100% me. It’s ok that I have interests in so many diverse things. It’s ok that when I tell people that I want to be a Talk Show Host they look at me like I have described an impossible task that could never be achieved.

It’s ok that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my expressions are so bright that I leave them out for the world to see.

I realized that I cannot put myself in a box. My personality just cannot fit, and I cannot do anything about that.

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Relationships after Divorce – To Jump or Not to Jump. Hmmmm

Relationships after Divorce – To Jump or Not to Jump. Hmmmm.

She Left Me and I am Depressed – Ask Chauntel

20-year-old Derrel writes:

Hi Chauntel,

I am so depressed and disappointed. I cannot do anything. She left me for no reason. She was my first love. The problem is I loved her more than anyone else, more than myself.

I can never forget her, I beg her many times, but she keeps ignoring me. She speaks very rudely. What do I do now? I always cry and I can’t stop my tears. I said I will be waiting for you until the end of time. Please tell me what I do now? I want her back, and I will do anything for her. I love her so much, so please tell me what to do so that she will come back to me.

Hi Derrel,

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. These things happen to the best of us. Loosing your first love can be a very difficult position to be in. And the pain that you feel inside cuts deep.

However, if she doesn’t want to continue your relationship you have to accept that, and continue to move forward. How, do you do that????? You have to allow time to pass, and do your best to busy yourself with things that will busy your mind.

It’s easy to fall so deep that we forget about ourselves. Don’t do that. It is not healthy, and you will always end up being so hurt. You have to guard you heart. That doesn’t mean that you should have the walls up so high that no one is able to come in, but what it does mean is you have to absolutely be more cautious about giving you heart away so quickly and so deeply without knowing how the other person feels.

You have to let her go, like a bird. Let her fly away. If and when she comes back you can decide if you want to be with her, but right now you have a lot of growing to do. You have to let her go so that you can grow yourself. You have to learn to love you before you completely give your heart away to someone new.

It may seem near impossible to let this one go, but you have complete control of your situation, and I know that you have the power to make a change in your life.

How do you make this change? Accept that it is over between the two of you, and continue to move forward with your life the best you can. It may hurt a lot right now, but as time passes you can slowly let this thing go, but you have to be willing to let go to move forward

Check this video out. It should help!

Lots of Love!

Chauntel

askchauntel@gmail.com

http://www.askchauntel.com