When dealing with relationships sometimes we will run across people who will do their best to use and abuse us. How do we deal with these types of situations. How do you guide yourself through a situation where you have been taken advantage of? Watch!
I love your videos I wish I was as confident as you are!
I recently have a boyfriend of 4 months who’s 26 and who I deeply love and care about.
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We have never been too intimate, we never had our clothes off or touched each other let alone have sex. We’ve been only kissing and hugging.
The reason we never did this is because I’m a very insecure girl when it comes to my body. I’m natural skinny, have small boobs and a small a**. On top of that my boobs are asymmetric uneven which makes me more insecure.
My insecurity came from my ex verbally abusive boyfriend who would always say something negative about my body.
He would say things like “you have some chicken arms and legs” – “you have no booty” – “you should eat more”. He always say that he’s just joking and that I should know that he’s only ‘joking’.
But it’s not just my ex boyfriend who used to say that, my family too.
They always used to tease me like “you’re skinny cause you don’t eat a lot” – “you’re like a walking stick” – “people can break you in 2”.
It really really hurts my feelings say those things to me. I can’t do anything about how God made me 😦 If I could I would. Whatever I eat I just don’t gain weight. So that really damaged my self esteem and made me more self conscious.
I became so self conscious to the point where I used to put, hip and breast pads to create some curves so I can feel better and look more ‘attractive’.
I met my current boyfriend while I was wearing those pads. I always remove his hands when he gets near those places cause in afraid he might feel something strange. I’m afraid to get intimate with him and put my pads off he will see that I don’t have those curves and might like me less or even worse leave me.
I created something that I’m not, and now it’s getting in between me and the guy that I love.
So far he’s been really patient and he’s a very understanding guy but at some point he’ll lose his patience cause he got needs as well and would want to get intimate with me. Always talk about it, but I always try to avoid that subject he asks me why I won’t be intimate.
My question for you is:
How can I get pass this? Do I tell him about the pads or not?
And How do I become more confident about my body?
If you would help I would really appreciate that!!!!
Love you girl!
Hi Kaylee!
Wow there is so much to address here! I want to start off by saying thanks so much for your kind words. I am so glad that you have been enjoying my videos! It means so much!
by anankkml
So let’s take your question piece by piece, ok?
I am so glad that you have been able to find a guy that you are into that is also into you! That is so fun, right? I would just like to point out that, although the physical part is important to address, intimacy goes beyond just the physical. However, I do understand that you are in a situation where you feel that he is looking to get more physical. This is just as much your decision as it is his, so be sure that you are not rushing into or forcing it before it is time.
In my eyes its not such a bad thing that you have only been hugging and kissing! From my videos, I am sure that you know that I am Christian and believe in abstinence. So, my hope is that you will save yourself for marriage. Ultimately, this is your decision, but I want point out that based on your beliefs, values, and emotions, you must decide if and when you’re ready to go all the way with him.
Now, let’s talk about you being insecure about your body. We all have something about our body that we dislike and wish to mask. Some people even go as far as to change themselves through surgeries, but I am with you sista, God made us just as we are and we should embrace ourselves as such.
The only reason that we feel insecure about ourselves is because we find ourselves comparing ourselves to others. No good can come from that because we were all made completely differently.
As far as this ex-boyfriend of yours. He is scum. I am glad you were able to recognize the fact that he left you emotionally scarred. Knowing that alone will help you begin the healing process. Many times when people begin to tear us down, its because of their own insecurities. However, words hurt, but what you have to do is release those negative thoughts that he put into your head about yourself so that you can move forward with your life. Don’t give him this kind of power over you and allow it to effect your self worth. You have to let him and everything that came with him go. There is no need for you to carry around that emotional baggage that he has given you. Leave it for him to pick up.
No matter what he or your family has said about you. God made you to be just who you are and no one should dare try to challenge that. Who are they to question God’s creation. Sometimes, the people closest to us can be the most critical. The crucial part about it is their words can have the most impact. Why? Because they are close to our hearts and their words are just that much closer to tugging and tearing down our heart strings.
However, you have the power to overcome their horrible words and the pain that they have given you.
I would like to share a verse with you: Psalms 139:14
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
There is also a song that I will leave in the end of this post, called “Overcomer” it is powerful and uplifting! Once you let go of everyone’s horrible words and stop carrying around their pain with you, you will begin to breathe better. Then, I need you to stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Once you accept the fact that you were wonderfully made by God, and he loves you just the way you are you will begin to build confidence in your body. Do not compare yourself to other people because you will always be disappointed. Why? Because we are not the same and there is a true beauty in that right?
Yes, you should absolutely share the truth with your guy. If he really cares about you, although he may be shocked that will not run him away. However, if he is only with you for your body then he may not respond so well, but guess what if that is the case you don’t want him anyway.
You are absolutely going to be ok. Just prepare yourself mentally for the conversation because you do not know how he is going to react. Give him some time though, be patient with him. He may be upset with you initially, because essentially you have been lying to him non-verbally.
So be  patient with him, and share this information because until you do your relationship cannot move forward!
I Hope This Helps, and I love you to girl! I also want to share with you a radio podcast that I recorded last summer. The title of the show is “Is Body Image Mental or Physical?”
This video explains how a combination of verbal and non-verbal cues can help transform your relationship from friendship to romance. Get out of the friendzone and catch your crush! Watch! Email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com
Lala writes Hi Chauntel, I am wondering if you can help me with this. I am considered the “emo” girl I don’t mind that but labels are for soup cans. I am going on my first date soon and I would like some help with the look.
Hi Lala,
Yes, people are always going to place a label on you no matter who you are or what you do. They will always find something bad to say. They did the same thing to Jesus when he was here on earth. Meaning, they called him names, and falsely labeled him. They also bullied and chastised him. You are his child. Although, we are all children of God some of us are lost. Those people who are talking about you and making you feel this way are those lost children. Because we are children of God you we will  be taunted; However, we can overcome this through Jesus. He explains it in John 15:20-21. Here is the scripture:
“Do you remember what I told you? ‘A slave is not greater than the master.’ Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you. And if they had listened to me, they would listen to you. They will do all this to you because of me, for they have rejected the one who sent me.”
Therefore, we must stay strong and continue to believe in who we truly are. As far as your date, I want you to have fun and stop worrying about these people and focus on what makes you, you. This is your day and you should dress in what makes you feel nice. He has to learn to accept you just as you are. Of course you should always put your best foot forward, but if you start trying to select things to make him like you, that don’t represent who you are, he is going to like some “off” version of you. To stay in the relationship you will then have to continue to play that character. Sounds exhausting right? Don’t do it! Be you!
When you go on a date you should dress in what makes you feel pretty. There is no true rhyme or reason to this.
However, choosing feminine clothing is always a good idea, but do it in your own way. Most of all, have fun. Remember he is a guy he doesn’t care what you wear as long as it isn’t too pinned or propped.
Stay away from extremes. Keep it simple and appealing to the eye as well as comfortable to you. If you wear something you are not comfortable in it will show. He will surely notice that. Don’t let your clothes define you, you have to define your clothes!
You dig?
I Hope This Helps!
Chauntel
email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com
Also, I am not sure if you have seen this yet, but here is a video that I did on a related topic:
I this question comes from a youtube viewer named Jessica Roberts! I screen-shot her question below.
by ambro
Hi Jessica!
The best way to convince your mom or dad to let you have an Instagram is to show them that you are responsible. Many times your parents may have a hard time with allowing you to use social media accounts because they are afraid that you are not mature enough to handle the responsibility.
The truth is that owning social media really has become apart of what we do and who we are socially, but it also forces you to mature very quickly. What you post on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, etc…. can effect you for the rest of your life.
I know that, that sounds a little over-kill, but it is so true. It is called your online footprint. Once it is posted it is available for all to see and even if you delete it, it may have already been screen-shot or recorded. So at 11 or 12 years old that is a lot of responsibility in your hands. This is most likely why your parents are choosing to be so selective with allowing you to have an Instagram account.
Having an Instagram account is not necessarily a bad thing, but if you are not responsible with what you post it can be.
So with all that being said, the best thing to do in your situation is show yourself to be responsible and trustworthy. And ask your parents at the appropriate time. It may take a few times, and it may not happen as soon as you would like but in due time they should let up.
Be patient and don’t try to sneak behind their backs to do it. If you do and they find out you will be in a much worse situation.
At this point that is all you can do. When you do finally get an Instagram account be wise with what you post. You don’t want to post something that can come back to bite you later if you know what I mean! 🙂
I watch your videos and you give great advice. I was wondering if you could give me some advice right here. My boyfriend is moving away, and he is my best friend. It’s really hard to focus knowing that he’s leaving. I need some advice about what I should do, and if we should make it work or something. Then, we’ve talked about kissing. Well sort of… Our friends have talked about it, and agrees he should. But I really don’t know what to do. When should we do it, where? I really need to know what to do. I’m going Into 7th grade, and that’s pretty much the age everybody else has. So yeah if you could email me back, and please give me advice. That would mean the world for you to respond. Thanks 🙂
by stock images
Hi Alyson,
First of all, thanks so much for your kind words, they really mean a lot. So I know this is a very hard time for you. There’s no getting around the fact that it will be very difficult.
However, I want you to know that you can absolutely get through this. It will be hard, but you have the strength within you to overcome the pain. It will hurt, and you will miss him because he has had a significant impact on your life. Even though it may seem like your world is crashing down in time it will get better.
If you want to kiss him, then by all means kiss him. However, don’t do it because you feel pressed to meet a quota. Just because “everyone else has done it or will do it by 7th grade” that is no reason for you to do it. Here is a quote I love to live by: “Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out!”
You have nothing to prove to anyone else. I want you to be happy with yourself. So, if you want to kiss him, on your own terms then great, do it, but whatever you do, don’t use this moment to meet a quota to please “everybody else”. When it comes down to it, this is your big moment. Your real experience. I didn’t have mines until I was ready and you shouldn’t either. Your first kiss should be special.
Here was my response to another viewer a while back about where to have a first kiss. It also applies here:
“The best place, is more about the best time. Where you are is not as important as how you feel.
However, any outdoor setting or couch setting would be nice. Steer clear from bedrooms though because they could lead to unwanted occurrences.
Romantic settings are of course the beach or anywhere near water. A drive in movie in the car is always cute. Holding hands in the park on a starry night is another great idea. Exotic places, near a fireplace, or even under the doorstep could also work.”
And – your last question was should you try to stay together and work it out. Here is my advice about that, ultimately you two have to make that decision. However, what I will tell you is that you are very young it long distance relationships are hard. They are not impossible, but they only work if you live close enough where you will be able to see each other at somewhat often.
They can also be very risky in the long run. You don’t have to cut ties with him, but at this point choosing to be friends who hang out from time to time may be an option you might want to consider. Unless you are in a very serious relationship I think it would be easier for you to take a break at this point. You can always revisit the relationship later. If it is meant to be it will be. I know this isn’t really the news you wanted, but just know that everything will be ok in time. I have two videos that I will leave you with.
Dealing with a break-up or know someone who is? Chauntel has some great tips on dealing with and overcoming your break-up. You don’t have to go through this alone, there are people around you who care about you and want to help! These basic tips will get you out of your depression and on track to moving on and growing within yourself! Watch!
I think my girlfriend is going to kiss me, so how should I do it?
by Stock Images
Hi Cody,
Kissing should happen in a fluid motion. It shouldn’t be rushed, and it very well shouldn’t make either of you feel pressured.
So, here are the basics:
1. Your hands should go around her waist, but not below the belt. Remember to always be respectful!
2. Her hands will naturally go above your shoulders around your neck.
3. Make eye contact. and see if she is on the same page and ready to go in for the kiss. If and when you see that she is, you can slowly go in for it. This will give you enough time to assess if she will meet you in the middle, or turn away instead.
Then you simply go in and naturally find her lips. After you lips meet, close your eyes. Â Otherwise it is a little weird.
And that is it! Great job you have had your first kiss!
He has been sending her mixed signals and she is having a hard time figuring out what it all means. Is this guy interested or not? Give your opinion and watch what Chauntel thinks about it! Chauntel gives advice to Samantha on what she should do to get her situation moving forward! Watch! email me askchauntel@gmail.com!
Vote: Is he Interested? – Watch the video first before you vote please 🙂
So, I am sure that you have heard of the “royal” wedding that united Kim Kardashian and Kayne West in holy matrimony over the weekend. And my ohhhh my did she look stunning to say the least! This dress was a much better option compared to the former dress she wore when she was wedded with Chris Humphries. It fits her shape like a glove, more on than the latter…In this post I will be sharing my advice to Kim and Kayne and other newly-wedded couples!
It is commonly shared that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. You may wonder why? Well there are many things to consider when starting your marriage off.
So here is my advice to Kim and Kanye as well as anyone else who is newly married or will be:
Keep you private conversations private. It is good to have a good friend/or family member as a relief system to talk to outside of your spouse, but don’t share incriminating information because it may cause resentment, unless you are being abused of course.
In lieu of the fact that you have busy schedules, be sure that you are spending quality time together. You may have busy schedules, but the last thing that you want is to be lacking in time spent together. It is just as important as the other things that you wish to do with your time.
Take time to show your appreciation to each-other by doing small little thoughtful things for each-other as a reminder that you care.
During the first year of marriage you learn each-other’s habits and expectations. Some of these are good and some bad. Â You may or may not agree with many of them, but you must communicate and establish a common ground. Here is where you learn to compromise.
To have a successful first year of marriage you must pay close attention to detail. What is it that your husband/wife wants and needs. You must identify that. Many times we speak with our eyes. So learn to read their non-verbal cues.
Also, don’t let the small hick-ups go unresolved. Communicate through every bump in the rode. If you allow bad feelings to grow you will eventually grow resentment towards your spouse. It is essential  that you share your feelings often. Also, be sure that you spend quality time together. Time with your spouse needs to be included in your schedule just like everything else. Relationships take work and they occupy your time.
Be sure to praise your spouse for the things that they are doing well. If you only focus on what they are doing wrong you will find it difficult to make them feel good. They will also feel as though they are not making you happy which will in turn cause them to feel self-conscious. Even though you may not realize it, you two have expectations of each-other. These expectations are usually based off of what you have witnessed as a child as you watched your parents or  “parent-like” figures interact. Be sure to communicate what you expect from each-other in the beginning.
Spend time doing things that you enjoy together, but also sacrifice and do things that each of you separately enjoy even if you personally don’t like those things. You do this because you love each-other.
Spend time with both of your families and friends. Keep it fair!
Share your  life with your spouse. You want to make them feel like they are the center of your world.
I Hope This Helps!
Email Questions to askchauntel@gmail.com, and comment below with your advice!
Also, don’t let the small hick-ups go unresolved. Communicate through every bump in the rode. If you allow bad feelings to grow you will eventually grow resentment towards your spouse. It is essential  that you share your feelings often. Also, be sure that you spend quality time together. Time with your spouse needs to be included in your schedule just like everything else. Relationships take work and they occupy your time.
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