Happy Relationships : 3 Guidelines Women Should Follow in Relationships

DON’T DO: The Nag Instead of the Brag

Men don’t respond well to nagging. I mean who does? The best way to get the most out of your man is praise him for what he does right, and request the things that you need at the right time.

If you follow these two simple guidelines you will get the most out of your man more often. If you really want something done, you should not only consider asking, but ask when he is available to actually get the task done and is not preoccupied with another responsibility.

If you want your man to respond positively to you, brag on him. In fact, let him hear you do it! This makes him feel loved and proud to do more for you.

DONT’: Let Your Emotions Lead

Women were born with instincts that favor emotion over logic. Many times it is hard to not allow your emotions to affect your actions. However, to build a strong relationship you must remember not to allow your emotions to be the sole determinant of actions that you take.

Emotions do exist for a reason, and they play an important role in relationships. However, it is important to remember that they should not dictate you actions. Instead, weigh logic and emotion when choosing to make decisions.

DON’T: Find Self Worth in Him

Verse I Would Like to Share: Psalms 139:14

Remember that you are uniquely made by God. Therefore, instead of finding your worth in your relationship find your worth in God.

If you have no life outside of your relationship you will find it difficult to be happy within your relationship. This doesn’t mean that you cannot do things with your bae, but it does mean that you should have other things that you are interested in doing on your own.

Simply, keep your girlfriends and have a hobby. There will be times where your guy wants to hang with his guy friends, and you should be ok with that. He will be more excited to get home to you if you don’t make a fuss about it. Remember to make your life equally as interesting as he thinks his is!

Email me questions to: askchauntel@gmail.com

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Mommy Monday – My Psychology Internship Experience

Hello My Beautiful Jewels and Gems,

So during my junior year, at Cal State Fullerton. I decided to take my psychology internship class.

It was very important to me to choose an internship that gave me real life experience. I did not wish to only earn the credits for my G.P.A., but I wanted an experience that I could take away to test the theory of becoming a Clinical Psychologist.

Let’s rewind about five years, when I was a freshman in high school, I had taken a course called Freshman Studies that allowed you to explore your future career. During this course we worked on a year long project to research our future career to find out more about it.

At this time, I decided to research being a Counseling Psychologist. I wasn’t sure if I would still want to follow this career path after researching it.

I was pleased that upon completing the course and completing the project, I still wanted to pursue that career. Of course I was planning to pursue a career as a Counseling Psychologist as a back-up plan to my dreams of working in the entertainment industry.

Therefore, I went through the rest of my high school and the beginning of my college career planning on pursuing a career in Counseling/Clinical Psychology.

braidsSo the internship, was a huge test for me because I understood that real life experience was far superior to just studying a career.

So back to my junior year at Cal State Fullerton, I completed my internship at a Counseling and Education center. Which, is now closed to my understanding.

I was a monitor for monitor visitations. I completed Intakes, which were the interviews that lead to a new monitor visitation case beginning in our program.

In addition to doing Intake interviews, I also monitored court ordered visits between parents and their children.

The intake interviews gave me a “patient-therapist” type of experience. The monitoring gave me a “relationship-building” type of experience that occurs between a therapist and their clients.

Also, I answered incoming phone calls and completed outgoing calls to get more monitor visitation cases going in our program. In order for these children to see their parents, we had to complete an Intake interview with both parents. Which meant, they both had to be compliant.

Even though, the court had ordered these visits many of the parents did not follow through. So, if one parent came and completed their interview, but the other did not, then that parent could not see their child.

Many times, this caused parents who were not seeing their children to become very upset. They would coincidentally, call and cuss me out because I was usually the one answering the phones two-days a week.

Also, the company was disorganized and had too many cases. There were even cases where both parents had come in and completed all of their paperwork and the Intake process, but because there were not enough monitors, we could not accommodate them.

Therefore, week-by-week they still could not see their children. These parents would also call and cuss me out, just because I was the one answering the phones.

My position included helping and checking people in at the front desk, answering phone calls, and completing outgoing phone calls to gain new monitor visitation cases. However, my most important job was completing Intakes and monitoring visitations. If you ask me, this was a lot of responsibility for an unpaid intern. Don’t you think?

The way monitored visits worked, was one parent would come 15 minutes earlier than the other because there was usually a restraining order between the parents. When that parent would arrive they would be put into a room, and I would close the door and wait for the second parent with the child to arrive.

Usually, when the visiting parent came in they would pay for the visit. If they were late, the visit was cancelled because we did not want to take a chance on both parents seeing each other.

Once the parent arrived with the child. They would leave the child with me, and I would take the child back to the visiting parent’s room. At this time, I would monitor the visit. Meaning, I would watch and record every interaction between the visiting parent and the child as much as possible. I was also required to write down any conversation they might have.

Once the visit was done, the second parent would arrive and pick up the child. 15-minutes-later the visiting parent was allowed to leave. I then put my notes into the families file and that concluded my day.

Next week I will tell you all about how this experience drove me away from Clinical and Counseling Psychology.

TaTa for Now!

Lots of Love xoxo!

Chauntel

How to Prevent Suicidal Thoughts

Hello Jewels and Gems,

girl in garden by anankkml
by anankkml

A harsh reality is that many people around us are hurting. At times they cannot see a way to overcome their pain and circumstances. It is during these times that we have to be there to show our love and support.

This post is inspired by a viewer who sent me a question recently about wanting to prevent themselves from committing suicide.

To the Person Having Suicidal Thoughts:

You are Loved

It is important for you to know that you are loved. It may seem like everyone and everything around you is going downhill and out of your control, but even during the times that you feel alone just know that you are loved. Even if the people around you do not show you love, God loves you.

You Matter

Remind yourself that you matter. At times we feel unwanted and unneeded because people in our lives have made us feel like we are not important. Don’t let those horrible people define you. If you were not here, someone would miss you. In most cases many will miss you.

You Have a Purpose Exclusive to You

If you didn’t know it, you have a purpose. There are specific gifts and talents that have been given to you that no one can take away. Even if you have been told that you are not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, you have to believe that you are.

Sometimes it takes time to define your purpose in life. However, it is important for you to know that no one can live  your purpose for you. You were made by God for a specific reason. Only you can find that, and if you take it upon yourself to take your life you are robbing the world of your gifts and talents.

Life is Worth Living

Even during the hard times, you must remember that your life is truly worth living. There is nothing so bad in life that you should take your on life. There is always another option. You have other choices. There is a way to make your situation and your circumstance better, but you have to allow time and effort to make those changes happen.

Gather Support

Many times when a person is having suicidal thoughts its because they spend too much time alone. Sometimes we rob ourselves of time with others for one reason or another, but we all need someone. You cannot live life alone. You were not born alone, you didn’t live alone(within reason there is always someone near you even if they are a house away), and if you can help it you shouldn’t die alone.

Get Professional Help

If you have someone around you that you can trust talk to that individual, and let them know what is going on with you, this way they can be there to support you. They can also assist you in  finding the help that you need and deserve.

It is important for you to find professional help. Therefore, seek out a therapist or psychologist who can support you. They will help you to talk it out and identify the root of your problem so that you can continue moving forward.

Crisis Help Resources

I have some resources available for you here on my website. There are prayer hotlines as well as suicide hotlines that you can utilize if you are in a crisis listed on that page.

To Friends Providing Support

An individual who is having suicidal thoughts really needs your support. They probably won’t want help, but guide them to the help that they need. Make sure that the key players in their lives are aware of what is going on. Check in with them often and make sure that they are okay. Make sure that they know that they are loved and have a place in your life.

Whatever you do, do not turn a blind eye to this situation, and be sure that they are receiving help and talking it through. They may not want to be around people, but insure that they are. Too much time alone can result in more time for them to get deeper into their depression. Realize that this is a real thing, that they can overcome.

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

 

 

First French Kiss Advice

Anna writes:

Hi Chauntel,

I have a boyfriend, and we have already kissed.  But now i think we will French Kiss. I really want to but don’t know how. I am really nervous and scared.

Please write me back if you can.
Big fan of yours. Love Anna
Hi Anna,
Thanks so much for your question. You made a very important statement, that you really want to. I want to make sure that, that is absolutely true because you should not be forced or encouraged into doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Screen Shot 2014-11-07 at 10.58.53 AMNow, I am not a kissing expert, haha. However, what I can tell you is that this is something that you learn in the moment. Just follow his lead, go with the flow. You will quickly learn.
Most importantly take it slow. There is nothing attractive about a forceful tongue, when force is not wanted or needed. So, don’t rush it just let it happen slowly. You will get the hang of it.
Remember, to protect yourself. His hands should stay around your waist, not above or below. If he tries any funny business. Politely move his hands back to where they should be. He will get the message. If not, there is something wrong with that picture.
Thanks for your support!
I Hope This Helps!
Chauntel
email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com Tweet/Insta @askchauntel

How to Ask a Girl Out – Without Creeping Her Out!

16-year-old Luis from Houston Texas writes:

Hi Chauntel,

I love the show, and you give great advice. Even from both perspectives, but I just kind of need advice.

Every time I talk to girls they seem to be creeped out, like they’ll walk away slowly, give one answer response. When I approach girls I usually give a compliment or talk about the surroundings. For example i was talking to this girl and she was being weird about it. So I asked “why are you walking like I’m creeping you out?” And she said “cause you are” I’ll give them a compliment, and that’s when things go wrong.. Maybe I’m coming off too strong? Any advice to do when I’m this situation again. I want her to feel comfortable. It be amazing if you can help me. Thank you, take care.

by photostock
by photostock

Hi Luis,

Thanks so much for your kind words! I am so glad that you enjoy the show! I decided to go ahead and share your question on my blog here. I also have a few videos that I have created related to this subject. I am not sure if you have seen them, but I will leave them below. Hopefully, you will find them helpful.

So, here is where I think the problem lies. When you approach a girl, small talk is ok, which it seems like you are doing. However, there also seems to be an awkwardness associated with your encounters.

You want to involve her in the conversation, and get her interested in what you are saying. Randomly giving her compliments is making her feel uncomfortable.

So for example the conversation could go something like:

Luis: “Wow isn’t today a beautiful day?”

Girl: “Yea, its really pretty today.”

Luis: “It it is made even more beautiful by your smile. My name is Luis. What is your name?”

(Luis reaches out hand out to shake Sarah’s hand.)

Girl: “Hi Luis, my name is Sarah.”

Luis: “Oh it is so nice to meet you Sarah.”

Sarah: “It’s nice to meet you too Luis.”

Luis: “So what does a beautiful girl like you have planned for this beautiful day?”

Sarah: “Oh thank you. Actually I am here to…….”

Luis: Responds to what Sarah has planning for the day

Screen Shot 2014-11-04 at 10.55.29 AMSo, here you have introduced yourself nicely and given her a compliment. You also have gotten her involved in the conversation without creeping her out. Now this last conversation piece is key.

After you complete your small talk conversation, its time to seal the deal!

Let Sarah know that you have enjoyed your conversation, and you would like to talk to her more later. Then ask her for her phone number so you can “text her later”. If she doesn’t want to give you that ask her for her Facebook or Instagram. If she isn’t interested you will know because she will politely decline.

Not every girl will be interested in you. However, if you keep these things in mind and make her feel apart of the conversation it will help. Don’t drop random compliments it will make her feel uncomfortable.

Also, be careful what you are complimenting her about. Keep it simple, like telling her she is beautiful, or saying something nice about her smile or her eyes. Also, don’t let your eyes wonder all over her body when you are talking to her. Keep it at about eye level. Be calm and relax. If you are nervous, she will probably be able to tell, and it will make her more uncomfortable.

Women like men who are confident within themselves. See yourself as the cool guy. If you want her to believe it, you have to believe it first!

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com Tweet/Insta @askchauntel

Ariana Grande Wants Bigger Boobs – Don’t Change Yourself for Anyone

Screen Shot 2014-10-24 at 9.51.46 AMHello Jewels and Gems!

I was hoping that sweet Ariana Grande would stay out of the media for such stories, but Hollywood has a way of making our young stars grow up so fast!

21-year-old singer Ariana has been dating Big Sean, and rumor has it that he has her considering life altering changes that will showcase “a little more of her”.

Oh, Ariana, don’t do it for the guy! He could be here today and gone tomorrow. Plus, why would you want to be with  a man who makes you insecure about your own body? He should love and embrace you for who you are.

Getting breast implants is a lifetime commitment. So Jewels if you ever choose to go get some done. Make sure it is for you, if you do it for a man, you might find yourself resenting him one day. Also look into the risks and maintenance of them.

Share a Story or Ask a Question @askchauntel & askchauntel@gmail.com

Does Size Matter?

Go Eww writes:
Hey Chauntel,
You give great advice and your point of view is different in a good way , at least to me it is. My question is very different I’m sure but w/e.
I’ve been seeing this beautiful girl she’s black and I’m half black myself, and our chemistry is perfect,everyone seems to think I’m really good looking and she tells me all the time.
I know she wants to get in bed with me for a fact the only reason it hasn’t happened yet is because I’m 6.5 inches long and I really wanted your opinion on this.
Like am I enough to leave her pleased, like i said very,but could you please write back to me, and understand I don’t mean to rude or gross at all.
I need to get rid of these nervous butterflies, I appreciate it thanks.

Hi Go Eww,

Thanks for your email, and for your kind words.
Screen Shot 2014-10-24 at 8.38.36 AMHere is my opinion, if you have watched enough of my videos you would know that although, I do my best to take a unbiased stance, my advice is given from my perspective.
With that in mind, you should also know that I am Christian. I believe that sex should be saved for marriage.
Moreover, to answer your question specifically, if you go into a physical relationship with her before there are real feelings there, it will be more of a physical expectation that she will have for you.
Meaning, if she considers your size too small for her it will be more of an issue if you go into a physical relationship too soon. If time passes, and you build feelings for each other your specific physical attributes will be less of a focus. Now, don’t get me wrong they will still have an impact, but it won’t be the only thing she has to base her decision on, on whether or not she wants to continue a relationship together.
Therefore, I recommend you wait to have sex, take it slow. If she really cares for you, she will accept you just the way God made you, just for who you are.
There is no need to be nervous, if its meant to be it will be. If she is not attracted to you it won’t work anyway. So, be confident in what you have and give the best version of yourself. That is all you can do.
If she doesn’t accept, well then on to the next! There will be another woman out there who will love every part of you and not want to change anything! You dig?
I Hope This Helps!
Chauntel
email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

How to Become More Confident in Your Body and Love It!

21-year-old Kaylee writes:

Hey Chauntel!

I love your videos I wish I was as confident as you are!

I recently have a boyfriend of 4 months who’s 26 and who I deeply love and care about.

by Stock Images
by Stock Images

We have never been too intimate, we never had our clothes off or touched each other let alone have sex. We’ve been only kissing and hugging.

The reason we never did this is because I’m a very insecure girl when it comes to my body. I’m natural skinny, have small boobs and a small a**. On top of that my boobs are asymmetric uneven which makes me more insecure.

My insecurity came from my ex verbally abusive boyfriend who would always say something negative about my body.

He would say things like “you have some chicken arms and legs” – “you have no booty” – “you should eat more”. He always say that he’s just joking and that I should know that he’s only ‘joking’.

But it’s not just my ex boyfriend who used to say that, my family too.

They always used to tease me like “you’re skinny cause you don’t eat a lot” – “you’re like a walking stick” – “people can break you in 2”.

It really really hurts my feelings say those things to me. I can’t do anything about how God made me 😦 If I could I would. Whatever I eat I just don’t gain weight. So that really damaged my self esteem and made me more self conscious.

I became so self conscious to the point where I used to put, hip and breast pads to create some curves so I can feel better and look more ‘attractive’.

I met my current boyfriend while I was wearing those pads. I always remove his hands when he gets near those places cause in afraid he might feel something strange. I’m afraid to get intimate with him and put my pads off he will see that I don’t have those curves and might like me less or even worse leave me.

I created something that I’m not, and now it’s getting in between me and the guy that I love.
So far he’s been really patient and he’s a very understanding guy but at some point he’ll lose his patience cause he got needs as well and would want to get intimate with me. Always talk about it, but I always try to avoid that subject he asks me why I won’t be intimate.

My question for you is:
How can I get pass this? Do I tell him about the pads or not?
And How do I become more confident about my body?

If you would help I would really appreciate that!!!!

Love you girl!

Hi Kaylee!

Wow there is so much to address here! I want to start off by saying thanks so much for your kind words. I am so glad that you have been enjoying my videos! It means so much!

by anankkml
by anankkml

So let’s take your question piece by piece, ok?

I am so glad that you have been able to find a guy that you are into that is also into you! That is so fun, right? I would just like to point out that, although the physical part is important to address, intimacy goes beyond just the physical. However, I do understand that you are in a situation where you feel that he is looking to get more physical. This is just as much your decision as it is his, so be sure that you are not rushing into or forcing it before it is time.

In my eyes its not such a bad thing that you have only been hugging and kissing! From my videos, I am sure that you know that I am Christian and believe in abstinence. So, my hope is that you will save yourself for marriage. Ultimately, this is your decision, but I want point out that based on your beliefs, values, and emotions, you must decide if and when you’re ready to go all the way with him.

Now, let’s talk about you being insecure about your body. We all have something about our body that we dislike and wish to mask. Some people even go as far as to change themselves through surgeries, but I am with you sista, God made us just as we are and we should embrace ourselves as such.

The only reason that we feel insecure about ourselves is because we find ourselves comparing ourselves to others. No good can come from that because we were all made completely differently.

As far as this ex-boyfriend of yours. He is scum. I am glad you were able to recognize the fact that he left you emotionally scarred. Knowing that alone will help you begin the healing process. Many times when people begin to tear us down, its because of their own insecurities. However, words hurt, but what you have to do is release those negative thoughts that he put into your head about yourself so that you can move forward with your life. Don’t give him this kind of power over you and allow it to effect your self worth. You have to let him and everything that came with him go. There is no need for you to carry around that emotional baggage that he has given you. Leave it for him to pick up.

No matter what he or your family has said about you. God made you to be just who you are and no one should dare try to challenge that. Who are they to question God’s creation. Sometimes, the people closest to us can be the most critical. The crucial part about it is their words can have the most impact. Why? Because they are close to our hearts and their words are just that much closer to tugging and tearing down our heart strings.

However, you have the power to overcome their horrible words and the pain that they have given you.

I would like to share a verse with you: Psalms 139:14

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Screen Shot 2014-07-27 at 1.02.03 AMThere is also a song that I will leave in the end of this post, called “Overcomer” it is powerful and uplifting! Once you let go of everyone’s horrible words and stop carrying around their pain with you, you will begin to breathe better. Then, I need you to stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Once you accept the fact that you were wonderfully made by God, and he loves you just the way you are you will begin to build confidence in your body. Do not compare yourself to other people because you will always be disappointed. Why? Because we are not the same and there is a true beauty in that right?

Yes, you should absolutely share the truth with your guy. If he really cares about you, although he may be shocked that will not run him away. However, if he is only with you for your body then he may not respond so well, but guess what if that is the case you don’t want him anyway.

You are absolutely going to be ok. Just prepare yourself mentally for the conversation because you do not know how he is going to react. Give him some time though, be patient with him. He may be upset with you initially, because essentially you have been lying to him non-verbally.

So be  patient with him, and share this information because until you do your relationship cannot move forward!

I Hope This Helps, and I love you to girl! I also want to share with you a radio podcast that I recorded last summer. The title of the show is “Is Body Image Mental or Physical?”

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/askchauntel/2013/08/23/dating-and-relationship-advice-from-ask-chauntel

Here is the song I told you about: 

Love You Lots!

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

 

Experiencing a Miscariage Story -Physically

I want to send a special thank you to everyone for you love and support through this difficult process. This video is for those who have been following my journey as well as those will or have experienced this!

In this video I explain the physical pain that a miscarriage can cause. It can be very difficult to do normal day-to-day things, and you must give your body time to heal. I share my story of how I endured it, and I must say I could not have done it without my family.

I also forgot to mention that to soothe the cramps naturally, I drank fresh ginger tea and used a massager on my tense muscles.

Here is the video I was referring to towards the end of the video:

 

My Girlfriend Cheated on Me How Do I Get Her Back? – Ask Chauntel

20-year-old Chedda from Nairobi, Kenya writes:

Hi Chauntel,

I just found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me, and I decided to break up with her…but i really love her. How do I get her to come back and say sorry?

ImageHi Chedda,

If your girlfriend cheated on you, then it is probably best that you broke up with her. The only time that I think you should consider going back into this relationship is if she has regained your trust and is obviously ready to make a positive change for the future of your relationship.

Otherwise, she will not respect you and will most likely continue to be unfaithful. So, my friend it is best that you let her do the apologizing. You have nothing to apologize for. She should be the one trying to make things work with you. If she isn’t then that probably means that she is just not that into you, and is not interested in continuing a relationship with you.

So, I would like to see you continuing to stand up for yourself, and wait to see how she handles the situation. If she is not apologetic, and is not pursuing you anymore, it’s best that you let this one go, ok? You deserve to be with someone who loves you and appreciates you for who you are.

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

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