I have a boyfriend who lives maybe 30 minutes away by train. We meet on a online chat room, and the same week we agreed to meet.
We have meet 3 times since. He’s 16 nearly 17. We have only known each other 5 weeks.
He asked me out on the second time we meet, and i said yes. I can’t tell my parents because they are really strong Christians and he is Jewish, they wont let me have a boyfriend, let alone a Jewish one. I don’t want to tell them just in case they don’t let me see him.
He has told all his friends and family that we are dating, but saying we meet at a party not online because he’s embarrassed of where we meet.
We Skype nearly everyday and i really really like him What should i do?!
When it comes to religion, it gets really gummy. I understand your dilemma. However, keeping him a secret is not the answer.
If you were of a marrying age my advice would be different(mostly run far away, This won’t work out., I wouldn’t touch this with a ten foot poll!), but since you are so young this is how I would approach your situation.
Go to you parents and tell them that you are interested in dating someone. Let them meet him. Try to stray away from conversations about religion. Don’t lie to you parents. If they ask then you must be honest, but if they don’t ask then don’t bring it up. Here is the thing, sneaking around, having secret train rides is dishonest and not safe. Also, you will loose their trust, and this for you will be unbearable.
They will trust you much more if you let them know that you met someone. If after you have to told them the truth, they still ban you from talking to him because of your differing religions you must respect their wishes.
As children of God, we must obey our parents. It is written, Ephesians 6:1, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.”
Also, I wouldn’t make too big a deal out of this. It would be unwise to get into a deeply rooted relationship with him because eventually you will have to part ways.
The Bible informs us that to be together we must be equally yoked. What does that mean?
It means you have to be of the same mind. Meaning amongst other things, same religion, same values. There is a scripture in Amos, that says (Amos 3:3) “How can two walk together unless they touch and agree.” Now it doesn’t mean literraly touch. This verse in symbolic. Meaning on the same level spiritually.
I know that this can be annoying as well as seem unfair. I have been in your situation. I was a little older, but it was the same type of thing. I was dating a guy who was of a different denomination that me. I am deeply rooted in mine. We couldn’t agree, and fought a lot. I thought to myself, how can I be with a guy who doesn’t believe the same things as I do. What will my children believe? It was then that I decided it would not be a good idea to become too deeply involved with him. I dated him casually until I met the next guy. The end goal was to find a man that I could eventually marry. Which I did, and he is a catch :)!
Now, the religion title itself is not what matters. The belief system is what matters. As long as you go into your relationship with this understanding then I think you will be ok. But I recommend that you let your parents know that you are dating someone. Again, SNEAKING AROUND BEHIND THEIR BACKS IS NO THE ANSWER.
I was hoping for advice on how to get my life on track and be healthy, happy again after being completely depressed and devastated from my ex of one year breaking up with me. Life has just been really hard lately, and I just have no motivation for anything anymore. Thank you so much Chauntel!
Thanks so much for your question. When relationships don’t work out the way that we would like for them to,it can be very painful. Sometimes when that hurt goes really deep within us we can slowly become more and more depressed.
It is for this reason that some people are afraid to get into committed relationships. They are afraid of getting hurt. However, we cannot allow our emotions to define our actions. We must push through them until we reach a place of acceptance and let go of what once was to feel what is.
You remember the good times, and keep those memories, then you make the decision to create new ones.
Here is the reality. Love is beautiful, and when it leaves we will feel pain. Instead of allowing the pain to overtake us we must take each relationship as a learning experience, and learn from them what we can. Then we should begin focusing time on ourselves and finding what truly makes us happy.
Sometimes we may not feel like being happy. You may not have the appetite to eat, or have the energy to get out of bed, but we have to push through that. Eventually the pain will subside and you will actually begin enjoying the things that you used to, and even appreciate life that much more.
So, you have to push through it girl! You are going to get through this, and you have to believe that. It starts with you believing that you can, and just doing it. Wake up every morning with a smile on your face and eventually you will be happy. Prepare your favorite meal and you will eat it.
Chauntel answers a question from a view who is struggling with how to communicate within their relationship without it being awkward. What can he do to move paste this stage of the relationship? What actions need to be taken? Watch! http://www.askchauntel.com
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I just watched your video on YouTube answering someone’s question on how to get over your first love and I just wanted to tell you my story and see if you could give me some advice when you have the time.
When I was 14 I went out with a boy called James. We were only together for 2 months but I was amazed by him I thought I’d found my soul mate.
We broke up because things weren’t working out and when I look back now I feel that was the right decision because I was just too young and dumb to know the ins and outs of a relationship and how to really treat someone you love.
The last time I saw him back then was valentines day 2012 and that broke my heart as that is a special day to anyone in a relationship! A year went by and and James and I started talking on text and we became really close friends however I still hadn’t seen him since the day he broke up with me. I saw him February 2013 at a party and we got along so well. We spoke the whole night and then one thing led to another and we were kissing by the end of the night. A couple of parties later, the same thing would happen and we both started to realise we wanted to give “us” another go.
In March 2013 James asked me to be his girlfriend again. (I’m 16 so I felt the time was right). I said yes of course and the relationship was great for the first few months! I gave him everything as I really wanted him to be the one. He was my first for everything (and sex). I guess we had sex early on in the relationship it was about 3-4 months in to it. We both felt that the time was right and I loved him so so much so I wanted to do it and so did he.
The day before our 6 month anniversary, James broke up with me (this was only a couple of weeks ago). His reason is that he just wants to be a teenager and have fun with his mates and then find a relationship later on in life. He said he thought he could have a serious relationship but he realised he couldn’t. This has broken my heart! Everyday I think about him constantly and I can’t get him out of my mind. I wanted him to be “the one”. I love him to death, I really do and I just can’t cope with how I’m feeling. I just want him back.
It doesn’t help seeing him talking to another girl over twitter and posting pictures of himself with her. It makes me sick because he broke up with me because he doesn’t want a relationship yet he’s getting close to another girl, and so soon!!
All of my friends have gone now because we were in one big group but now they’re all doing their own thing and going with James as well. I have no one but my mum and I’m lucky to have her but I just feel so lonely.
I’ve started to take things out on myself and I’m scratching my wrists with sharp objects and I don’t even know why. It makes me feel better at the time and then I just feel down because I ask myself “why are you doing this?!”
I am still messaging him and I know he doesn’t like it because he’s getting annoyed with me constantly telling him i cant cope and how much i miss him but he never contacts me now and it makes me feel horrible because for 6 months we were so close and now its like i don’t even exist to him anymore.
I can’t cope. I just want him back but I don’t know what to do. If I could go back in time a couple of months everything would be perfect. It’s crazy how I can be so happy one minute and now all my dreams have just crashed down. I’ve never felt so low.
I hope you can help.
Getting over your first love is a very difficult situation to overcome. However, the majority of us have to face this reality. Why? Well, although young love can be quite fun and exciting. It is usually short lived. Now, don’t get me wrong it doesn’t always work out this way, but this is usually the reality.
The video that you watched, told the story of a girl who had a story almost identical to yours.
This is what you need to do. You need to find the strength deep within yourself to let him go. I know that, that seems nearly impossible. I also understand that you cannot imagine a reality where you are not head over heels in love with this guy, but it is time to begin imagining this is a possibility. From there you will grow into acceptance, where you can begin accepting that this romantic relationship is truly over. Once you do, you will be able to move forward.
Why must you accept it? Well, you are in a state of denial. You are reminiscing on what was and comparing that to what it could have been instead of focusing on what is. What is is, he cared about you enough to let you go. Now that may seem confusing, but it is not. He was honest and straightforward about how he felt about you. What more can you ask for?
Don’t take it personal, he didn’t want a commitment. I know that that is disheartening. I know you are probably thinking, “How could he? Why would he. We had something wonderful”, and you did. So, instead, of beating yourself up about it appreciate the relationship for what it was, take what you learned from it and continue moving forward.
This whole situation is completely under your control. Now, you cannot control his current and future relationships. BUT what you can do is take ahold of your own life and relationships. Hurting yourself absolutely will not bring him back. Twitter stalking will also not bring him back. If I were you I would stop following him on Twitter entirely. This way you won’t have to see his post. Also, note that, being clingy will drive him further away.
Honestly, do you even want him back? Considering that he doesn’t want a commitment, and you cannot stand to see him with someone else, I think not.
You will find a guy who wants the same things as you do, and when you do you will remember this relationship as a distant past-time that had an effect on you when you were 14.
Harming yourself as a result of your feelings for him, is just not fair to you. You have to change your state of mind, and I want you to get help for you NSSI (Non Suicidal Self-Injury). Although, It is how you have chosen to deal with the pain its time to make a change in your life. Harming yourself physically will only result in more pain.
So here is what I need for you to do, if you are comfortable with it, let your parents know that you need to see a therapist . That way you can be treated for NSSI. If that is too bold a move, and you are not comfortable talking to your parents about this, please go see your school psychologist.
As of now I have been actively been pursuing a career in Investment Banking. I realize that as of now, I think this is what I want to do. It has been a dream of mine for the for the past few years in my life.
After talking with some of my business professors, I realize that the path into IB is not as glorious as it sounds. The pay is obviously very good, but it comes with a price. 100 hour work weeks are the norm, and with that being said there is not much time for anything else. One of my professors told me I can definitely get to where I want to be, but you will be a lone wolf on this endeavor.
After hearing his advice to me this makes me question my efforts. I see everybody around me going to parties and having fun, while most of the time I give priority to my school work. In terms of relationships, I would really love to fall in love with a girl. I thought I had that once, but eventually that ended and I have a hard time believing I will feel those feelings again for another person.
In a nutshell, what do you think I should do? Should I still continue my efforts to achieve my goal and run the risk that I could not even end up liking what I do and I wasted all my time and effort on something I do not like? I fear that one day I will not be happy and realize I wasted my time and effort in something that does not make me happy.
The path to success does come with some sacrifice and a lot of hard work. However, you cannot allow that to overtake you. After all, you only have one life to live, right?
The key to sorting out your situation is first identifying your values, then assigning priorities to to those values. Decide what your number one priority in life is, then your second, then your third, and so on. Once you know what holds the most value to you, you can decipher where to prioritize. For example, if you value school more than partying, then you might prioritize studying over partying on Friday night, and that’s ok! I did it!
Also, make friends who also have busy schedules and won’t make you feel bad about yours!
Life is about balance. If you do not aide the social side of you, you will most likely not be as productive at work because you will begin to dread being there. So, what should you do instead? Well, since you are aware that the field you are in is very time consuming, you will have to schedule in your social time. If you don’t you will not be as productive at work, which may eventually lead to burnout. I know I have done it 🙂
So, setting aside your personal time to socialize is just as important as setting aside time to study.
Specifically, when it comes to Investment Banking(IB), is that your passion? If so, are you willing to put in that 100 hours a week? It really comes down to how important is it to you to be an IB? How much do you value it in your life? If you value being in IB more than you value having more time for social activities and a romantic relationship, then maybe IB is not for you.
However, if the “money” isn’t going to be enough for you, and those extra 60 hours a week are not something that you want to sacrifice in your life, then this is not probably not the career path for you.
Now, as far a romantic relationship goes specifically, it will be very difficult to find a woman who is willing to be with a man who works 100 hours a week. However, there is that woman out there.
So, if you do end up working 100 hours a week. You absolutely must set aside time for her, but keep in mind that you are also going to have to have personal time. These things are important for the relationship to thrive.
If you choose to have kids later on, it will make for a very estranged relationship with them, because you will barely have time for yourself.
So, find out what you value the most, then prioritize from there. I am sure that you can work 100 hours a week, and have a family but I can assure you that your relationship with them will be greatly affected.
I offer private coaching sessions if you would like to chat about his more.
OK so I’am a Junior in high school, but I really like this guy who is a Sophomore . How do i ask him out ? Should I ask him out ? We are always making eye contact and smiling at each other so should I take the next step and ask him out , or should I talk to him ? That’s the problem we always say hey to each other , but our conversation really doesn’t go past Hello. How do i talk to him.. HELP ME PLEASE
The fact that you are at hello is a great start. Instead of outright asking him out you should encourage or inspire him to ask you out. That is the beauty of being a young woman, the power of influence.
He will perceive it as him doing the asking, but you will have done the initiating. How does this work? It’s simple.
Invite him to hang out with you and your friends. You can tell him that he can invite his buddies too. It can be a simple mall trip, miniature golf, or maybe even a trip to the bowling alley, choose a group date along those lines. Once you are out with him, be yourself and flirt with him casually.
If he enjoyed his time with you he will initiate a future hang out. I wish you love!
I’ve been dating this amazing guy for about 3 months. He’s almost 6 years older than me… he’s 27, and I’m a relationship type girl, and typically like older guys, who seem more ready for something serious. This guy pretty much took the reigns, and made the relationship a “relationship” quickly.
HOWEVER, he told me at the beginning that he was warming up to the relationship thing slowly because he had just gotten out of a long term relationship a year ago. But he kept making sure to reassure me that he was only seeing me and that although he isn’t a huge fan of labels. We had a relationship. He told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else and wasn’t going to. However, over the last month, he’s been different. Distant, not really trying to make plans to see me much, and he’s been overall just really grouchy and unhappy.
He’s now saying he is very depressed (which i’ve picked up on and he’s mentioned) and is asking for space… and I don’t really know how to handle this. “Space” and “time” could mean days, weeks, years? And does he even really want me to stick around, or do you think he’s trying to let me down easy? I wish he would open up and let me be there for him, but he is very out of touch with his feelings and wouldn’t have this conversation on the phone, even. We haven’t been talking too much, but communication hasn’t stopped and has mostly been about our situation. He claims to not want to tell me what to do because he doesn’t exactly know what he wants right now. He’s said that he still likes me and will continue to work on me, but that he needs to get himself happy before he can be happy with anyone else, and that he thinks separating would be best for now. I won’t sit around and wait forever, but I’m really heartbroken. I’m feeling like its a situation where I have to let him go, and if he comes back happy and healthy, it was meant to be?
[(here’s some extra info… maybe help you understand this more than me?)
When he asked for space, he said we’re frequently not on the same page with what we want out of the relationship (I’ve been wanting to meet his friends and have him meet my family), that he needs slow and casual because he cannot emotionally invest what i want out of him right now (i’ve been stupid to sleep with him, I know that now), that he’s never felt this depressed and needs to figure out his life and himself, and that he doesn’t think he’s ready for a relationship when he thought that was what the hole he was feeling inside was. He told me that I haven’t scared him off or done anything to make him feel this way, that I’m an amazing person he loves spending time with, that I make him so happy but he doesn’t make himself happy, and that he’s not going to disappear but he just needs time for himself.]
First off, you go girl!
The man you are dating seems very mature and has a lot of introspection. Which means that he knows how to look within himself to see how he is feeling, and is aware of what he needs, which is great. He is also great at communicating his feelings to you, which I cannot say for most guys. I know that you are in a very frustrating situation, and believe it or not, you are both in a very vulnerable position.
You have two options. One you can wait for him until he is ready to be in a committed relationship, or two you can accept that he isn’t ready for commitment and explore other options to find that guy who wants what you want right now. Don’t forget you are 20, live a little 🙂
If this guy really holds value in your life, then be supportive of his space. How do you do that? Let him lead. How much is enough and how much is too much, when it comes to “space”? Well there is not a magic formula to this. You simply let him initiate most of the time: hangouts, phone calls, conversation, and all other contact. You will start to get a fill for what the “space” is that he wants.
You will probably go through this process until you get to the point where you want more. He will either give it to you or he won’t. But whatever you do, don’t force it. You will only turn him off.
Let him lead, or just be friends and go find what you are searching for!