Reply to Ask E. Jean: It’s Hard For Me To Be Around My Pregnant Friends by Ask Chauntel

Hello my Beautiful Jewels & Gems,

I wanted to share my response to Ask E. Jean Caroll’s advice column. Here is the question:

Dear E. Jean: I have a wonderful two-year-old who is the absolute light of my life, and a husband I adore. I love being a mom and desperately wish to expand our family. However, I have suffered three miscarriages in the past 10 months (despite testing and treatment for a blood-clotting disorder linked to miscarriage), in addition to losing my father. At the moment, I am hurting too much from all this loss and need to take a break from trying for another child, and I’m also recognizing that it may not be in Mother Nature’s cards for us to have another. (It took almost two years to conceive my daughter, so fertility has never come naturally for me.)

The problem is, nearly all my friends are pregnant right now and I’m finding it incredibly hard to be around them. Watching their bodies change is a constant reminder of where I should have been had any of my pregnancies lasted. I don’t want to cut myself off socially, especially in a time of such grief, but I find it very painful to see such abundant fertility around me. What can I do, short of finding an entirely new group of friends? —Heartbroken

Ask Chauntel Response:

Dear Heartbroken,

Big Picture Idea: Wow, how how much loss you have experienced in such a short amount of time. I cannot even imagine losing a baby at 10 months. What joy you must of had in your heart for this little one to loose them so quickly. I too had a miscarriage, but mines was at 6 weeks. That feeling of pain when you loose your unborn child is nothing that can be described in words.

I also cannot imagine the pain that you must have felt with that experience toppled with the loss of your father. You are a strong woman, and you will overcome this. Take it one day at a time and reflect on the great memories you have with your father. Be comforted that this life is only temporary, and you can see him again. In this season of your life, much prayer and ceasing after God that is going to help you overcome the daily weight that you carry on your shoulders.

Practical Application: To answer your question specifically, no you absolutely do not get a set of new friends. Instead, you call on the Holy Spirit, your comforter, and ask him to make you whole again. If you need to take some time away from your friends that is understandable, but do not take too much time because we need each other for love and strength. Pain becomes even more painful alone.

All you need to do is give yourself time, time to mourn, and time to feel. Whatever you do, do not bottle this pain up inside. Find away to express yourself. Know that your two-year-old daughter is full of life and needs you so much. She will give you the strength to get through it. Not only that, when the time is right God will bless you with another baby for her to play with.

Don’t rush anything take this in stride, and know that to everything there is a season. You will slowly overcome your pain enough to be around those friends again. What God has for you, it is for you so you do not have to envy your friends, even with slow inferility you have so many blessings in your life. Be content with what he has given you and you will receive all the more.

I Hope This helps!

If you would like to read E Jean’s response click here.

Here is the story on my miscarriage:

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Hey Jewels please leave your advice and comments below on Hearbroken’s question.

You may email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

Re: Ask E. Jean- WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE NOT EXPECTING

Hello My Beautiful Jewels,

I have decided to begin giving my responses to some popular advice columns that I read. Below is my first entry taken from Ask E. Jean, column writer for Elle magazine.

Here is the link to the original post on elle.com. Link: http://www.elle.com/life-love/ask-e-jean/ask-e-jean-pregnant-friends

Dear E. Jean: I have a wonderful two-year-old, who is the absolute light of my life, and a husband I adore. I love being a mom and desperately wish to expand our family. However, I have suffered three miscarriages in the past 10 months (despite testing and treatment for a blood-clotting disorder linked to miscarriage), in addition to losing my father. At the moment, I am hurting too much from all this loss and need to take a break from trying for another child, and I’m also recognizing that it may not be in Mother Nature’s cards for us to have another. (It took almost two years to conceive my daughter, so fertility has never come naturally for me.)

The problem is, nearly all of my friends are pregnant right now and I’m finding it incredibly hard to be around them. Watching their bodies change is a constant reminder of where I should have been had any of my pregnancies lasted. I don’t want to cut myself off socially, especially in a time of such grief, but I find it very painful to see such abundant fertility around me. What can I do, short of finding an entirely new group of friends? —Heartbroken

by zcool.com.cn
by zcool.com.cn

Dear Heartbroken,

You are dealing with such a very difficult time right now. I can totally relate to what you are going through. I just had a miscarriage myself about 7 weeks ago. I will post my videos below where I share my story.

Did you know that 1 and 3 pregnant women will loose their baby?

It is a reality that many people are not aware of. The pain that comes with a miscarriage is so very difficult both physically and emotionally. Although, the people around you may not quite understand exactly how you are feeling, what matters  most is their love and support for you.

It is natural for you to be sad when you see your friends going along in their pregnancy, while you have continued to loose yours. However, I believe that you have the strength to overcome those negative feelings, but it is going to take some work on your part.

You cannot possibly be happy for them if you are beating yourself up over this. So, here is what you need to do. You  first must stop beating yourself up. As women, we can find ourselves blaming ourselves for the fact that we cannot get pregnant or stay pregnant. We slowly begin tearing ourselves down. Then when we see women who are pregnant we may begin comparing ourselves to them and wondering why our pregnancy did not work out. That is the absolute opposite of what you should do. However, it may seem like the easiest road to take.

So, I want you to walk the unbeaten path. The path of a strong woman, who holds her head up high in-spite of the pain that she is experiences. Have confidence in yourself, and know that just because your pregnancies have not worked out it does not make you any less of a woman. Also, as that strong woman you must know that if these women truly are your friends they mean you no harm and you should embrace them during this hard time. If them talking about their pregnancies saddens you, then just be honest with them and let them know that you are having a hard time with the loss of your babies. Inform them that although you are happy for them, you would rather not talk about pregnancy at all. If they are truly your friends they should be sensitive to that fact, and heed to your request. If they do not, then they are selfish and not a true friend to you.

 by adamr
by adamr

Beyond that, lets thank God for our blessings. He has given you a husband who loves you and a daughter all yours. Those times when you begin beating yourself up just remember how blessed you are to have them in your lives. Some women will not ever get married or have a child, and you have both.

So, if it is really your desire to have another baby, don’t give up. It is going to take some time and it may take more heartache, but you are strong enough to endure it. Do you know how I know? – because God will not put more on you than you can bear, and you are still standing sista.

As a good friend of mines reminded me, an idle mind is the devil’s workshop, and all he wants is for us women to separate ourselves during our time of need. When you see your pregnant friends, instead of focusing on what they have, and what you lack, I want you to focus on what both of you have – love and family. Don’t see yourself as less than, but instead know that God knew you were strong enough to endure. We all have hard times, but this too shall pass.

Also, Don’t keep your feelings inside, discuss how you are feeling with your husband. He is hurting too, and during this time you two need to need to show love and support to each-other.

May God be with you and your family, and if it is in his will, you will have another baby.

Lots of Love,

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

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