Tag: loss

Hello My Beautiful Jewels,

I have decided to begin giving my responses to some popular advice columns that I read. Below is my first entry taken from Ask E. Jean, column writer for Elle magazine.

Here is the link to the original post on elle.com. Link: http://www.elle.com/life-love/ask-e-jean/ask-e-jean-pregnant-friends

Dear E. Jean: I have a wonderful two-year-old, who is the absolute light of my life, and a husband I adore. I love being a mom and desperately wish to expand our family. However, I have suffered three miscarriages in the past 10 months (despite testing and treatment for a blood-clotting disorder linked to miscarriage), in addition to losing my father. At the moment, I am hurting too much from all this loss and need to take a break from trying for another child, and I’m also recognizing that it may not be in Mother Nature’s cards for us to have another. (It took almost two years to conceive my daughter, so fertility has never come naturally for me.)

The problem is, nearly all of my friends are pregnant right now and I’m finding it incredibly hard to be around them. Watching their bodies change is a constant reminder of where I should have been had any of my pregnancies lasted. I don’t want to cut myself off socially, especially in a time of such grief, but I find it very painful to see such abundant fertility around me. What can I do, short of finding an entirely new group of friends? —Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

You are dealing with such a very difficult time right now. I can totally relate to what you are going through. I just had a miscarriage myself about 7 weeks ago. I will post my videos below where I share my story.

Did you know that 1 and 3 pregnant women will loose their baby?

It is a reality that many people are not aware of. The pain that comes with a miscarriage is so very difficult both physically and emotionally. Although, the people around you may not quite understand exactly how you are feeling, what matters  most is their love and support for you.

It is natural for you to be sad when you see your friends going along in their pregnancy, while you have continued to loose yours. However, I believe that you have the strength to overcome those negative feelings, but it is going to take some work on your part.

You cannot possibly be happy for them if you are beating yourself up over this. So, here is what you need to do. You  first must stop beating yourself up. As women, we can find ourselves blaming ourselves for the fact that we cannot get pregnant or stay pregnant. We slowly begin tearing ourselves down. Then when we see women who are pregnant we may begin comparing ourselves to them and wondering why our pregnancy did not work out. That is the absolute opposite of what you should do. However, it may seem like the easiest road to take.

So, I want you to walk the unbeaten path. The path of a strong woman, who holds her head up high in-spite of the pain that she is experiences. Have confidence in yourself, and know that just because your pregnancies have not worked out it does not make you any less of a woman. Also, as that strong woman you must know that if these women truly are your friends they mean you no harm and you should embrace them during this hard time. If them talking about their pregnancies saddens you, then just be honest with them and let them know that you are having a hard time with the loss of your babies. Inform them that although you are happy for them, you would rather not talk about pregnancy at all. If they are truly your friends they should be sensitive to that fact, and heed to your request. If they do not, then they are selfish and not a true friend to you.

Beyond that, lets thank God for our blessings. He has given you a husband who loves you and a daughter all yours. Those times when you begin beating yourself up just remember how blessed you are to have them in your lives. Some women will not ever get married or have a child, and you have both.

So, if it is really your desire to have another baby, don’t give up. It is going to take some time and it may take more heartache, but you are strong enough to endure it. Do you know how I know? – because God will not put more on you than you can bear, and you are still standing sista.

As a good friend of mines reminded me, an idle mind is the devil’s workshop, and all he wants is for us women to separate ourselves during our time of need. When you see your pregnant friends, instead of focusing on what they have, and what you lack, I want you to focus on what both of you have – love and family. Don’t see yourself as less than, but instead know that God knew you were strong enough to endure. We all have hard times, but this too shall pass.

Also, Don’t keep your feelings inside, discuss how you are feeling with your husband. He is hurting too, and during this time you two need to need to show love and support to each-other.

May God be with you and your family, and if it is in his will, you will have another baby.

Lots of Love,

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com