How to Become More Confident in Your Body and Love It!

21-year-old Kaylee writes:

Hey Chauntel!

I love your videos I wish I was as confident as you are!

I recently have a boyfriend of 4 months who’s 26 and who I deeply love and care about.

by Stock Images
by Stock Images

We have never been too intimate, we never had our clothes off or touched each other let alone have sex. We’ve been only kissing and hugging.

The reason we never did this is because I’m a very insecure girl when it comes to my body. I’m natural skinny, have small boobs and a small a**. On top of that my boobs are asymmetric uneven which makes me more insecure.

My insecurity came from my ex verbally abusive boyfriend who would always say something negative about my body.

He would say things like “you have some chicken arms and legs” – “you have no booty” – “you should eat more”. He always say that he’s just joking and that I should know that he’s only ‘joking’.

But it’s not just my ex boyfriend who used to say that, my family too.

They always used to tease me like “you’re skinny cause you don’t eat a lot” – “you’re like a walking stick” – “people can break you in 2”.

It really really hurts my feelings say those things to me. I can’t do anything about how God made me 😦 If I could I would. Whatever I eat I just don’t gain weight. So that really damaged my self esteem and made me more self conscious.

I became so self conscious to the point where I used to put, hip and breast pads to create some curves so I can feel better and look more ‘attractive’.

I met my current boyfriend while I was wearing those pads. I always remove his hands when he gets near those places cause in afraid he might feel something strange. I’m afraid to get intimate with him and put my pads off he will see that I don’t have those curves and might like me less or even worse leave me.

I created something that I’m not, and now it’s getting in between me and the guy that I love.
So far he’s been really patient and he’s a very understanding guy but at some point he’ll lose his patience cause he got needs as well and would want to get intimate with me. Always talk about it, but I always try to avoid that subject he asks me why I won’t be intimate.

My question for you is:
How can I get pass this? Do I tell him about the pads or not?
And How do I become more confident about my body?

If you would help I would really appreciate that!!!!

Love you girl!

Hi Kaylee!

Wow there is so much to address here! I want to start off by saying thanks so much for your kind words. I am so glad that you have been enjoying my videos! It means so much!

by anankkml
by anankkml

So let’s take your question piece by piece, ok?

I am so glad that you have been able to find a guy that you are into that is also into you! That is so fun, right? I would just like to point out that, although the physical part is important to address, intimacy goes beyond just the physical. However, I do understand that you are in a situation where you feel that he is looking to get more physical. This is just as much your decision as it is his, so be sure that you are not rushing into or forcing it before it is time.

In my eyes its not such a bad thing that you have only been hugging and kissing! From my videos, I am sure that you know that I am Christian and believe in abstinence. So, my hope is that you will save yourself for marriage. Ultimately, this is your decision, but I want point out that based on your beliefs, values, and emotions, you must decide if and when you’re ready to go all the way with him.

Now, let’s talk about you being insecure about your body. We all have something about our body that we dislike and wish to mask. Some people even go as far as to change themselves through surgeries, but I am with you sista, God made us just as we are and we should embrace ourselves as such.

The only reason that we feel insecure about ourselves is because we find ourselves comparing ourselves to others. No good can come from that because we were all made completely differently.

As far as this ex-boyfriend of yours. He is scum. I am glad you were able to recognize the fact that he left you emotionally scarred. Knowing that alone will help you begin the healing process. Many times when people begin to tear us down, its because of their own insecurities. However, words hurt, but what you have to do is release those negative thoughts that he put into your head about yourself so that you can move forward with your life. Don’t give him this kind of power over you and allow it to effect your self worth. You have to let him and everything that came with him go. There is no need for you to carry around that emotional baggage that he has given you. Leave it for him to pick up.

No matter what he or your family has said about you. God made you to be just who you are and no one should dare try to challenge that. Who are they to question God’s creation. Sometimes, the people closest to us can be the most critical. The crucial part about it is their words can have the most impact. Why? Because they are close to our hearts and their words are just that much closer to tugging and tearing down our heart strings.

However, you have the power to overcome their horrible words and the pain that they have given you.

I would like to share a verse with you: Psalms 139:14

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Screen Shot 2014-07-27 at 1.02.03 AMThere is also a song that I will leave in the end of this post, called “Overcomer” it is powerful and uplifting! Once you let go of everyone’s horrible words and stop carrying around their pain with you, you will begin to breathe better. Then, I need you to stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Once you accept the fact that you were wonderfully made by God, and he loves you just the way you are you will begin to build confidence in your body. Do not compare yourself to other people because you will always be disappointed. Why? Because we are not the same and there is a true beauty in that right?

Yes, you should absolutely share the truth with your guy. If he really cares about you, although he may be shocked that will not run him away. However, if he is only with you for your body then he may not respond so well, but guess what if that is the case you don’t want him anyway.

You are absolutely going to be ok. Just prepare yourself mentally for the conversation because you do not know how he is going to react. Give him some time though, be patient with him. He may be upset with you initially, because essentially you have been lying to him non-verbally.

So be  patient with him, and share this information because until you do your relationship cannot move forward!

I Hope This Helps, and I love you to girl! I also want to share with you a radio podcast that I recorded last summer. The title of the show is “Is Body Image Mental or Physical?”

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/askchauntel/2013/08/23/dating-and-relationship-advice-from-ask-chauntel

Here is the song I told you about: 

Love You Lots!

Chauntel

email questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

 

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How to Not be a Rebound – Ask Chauntel

Terrance writes:

Dear Chauntel,

Ok so I started dating this girl right after she broke up with ger BF of two years, we’ve been going together for a month and I fell in love with her, I dont want to get hurt, what to do…

Hi Terrance,

Coming into a new relationship with someone when they have just come out of one can be difficult.

It takes a lot of patience on your part because you have to be understanding of what she is feeling. Beyond that you must also be aware that she may or may not be in the best emotional state to be receiving a relationship.

With all that in mind how can you ensure that you don’t get hurt and don’t end up a rebound? You cannot. However, you can take these precautions.

If you feel that the person that you are in the relationship is not ready for commitment, don’t try to pressure them into it. Guard your heart as much as you can while you wait it out. It will be easy for them to throw themselves into their new relationship and ignore what they are feeling from their past relationship. It is up to you to be aware of that, and take things slow.

Don’t rush into anything serious until you are confident that they have left their last relationship in the past. If you build a friendship with your lover slowly you will be in tune with what they are feeling. When you feel that youchauntelavatar are both on the same level of thinking and feeling then the two of you can slowly start moving into a more committed relationship, but not before.

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

Send your questions to askchauntel@gmail.com

http://www.askchauntel.com

Is He Too Busy For Me? – Relationship Advice – Ask Chauntel

Hi Chauntel,

We talked everyday over Facebook for like 2 in a half months. For a few weeks he’s now too busy. He has work, school, boxing. I’m understanding about it to a certain extent. I’m a Scorpio so I told him I demand attention before we got involved. Which is true! That’s my nature, I told him how I felt and he feels strongly about me too so he says. He just said that everything else comes first. So in my head this is how I perceive our situation.
3 months ago.Him: Hey, your really pretty. So I’m going to give you all my time, I’m going to have long conversations. I’m going to compliment you and give you millions of you cute nicknames without coming across as an ***. You’ll like me cause I’ll reply back multiple times in a day and we’ll have fun conversations.
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Me: AwwwHim: I’m mainly doing this cause nothing’s going on in my life. When something happens I’ll slowly stop telling you things. And because we were never official and this is a long distance thing we can just be friends. But I still like you! It’s just something grabbed my attention more than you’re doing now. So just be happy that we’re talking there’s no rush.Me: Okay, so I was just the latest toy on the shelf. You have new ones that you like better but don’t want to throw me away due to sentimental value, however you’re going to leave me on here to rot?This is how I perceive everything. He’s an amazing guy, the best I’ve ever encountered but he doesn’t even reply back in the same day, sometimes 2 days. He says I’m being obsessive which I can be and was being lately do to the fact I feel like he’s ignoring me. He says he’s not, that he’s just busy.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like we’re in a relationship without being in a relationship. I want to end it but then I don’t because he is so amazing. I just feel like if your life was so busy and you knew how I felt/was (I was very straight forward in the beginning) why would you even continue to speak to me. I know he has a life, I don’t want all his time. I just want to know his life because there is still so much we don’t know about each other. Also I don’t want to just give up when things don’t work, life isn’t about taking the easy route. But I’m considering moving on, without telling him. Like keeping my options open, talking to other guys, finding myself. Just having fun, cause he’s obviously too busy with his life. What should I do?

Hey Love,

Well….The guy is busy and that is a good thing. That means he has a passion about something. Give him time. Don’t pressure him too much. The point is that he is including you and that matters.

It may not be all you want, but as long as he is giving you time and making you feel appreciated that is all you can ask  for.

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

http://www.askchauntel.com

I Have Liked Her Forever….What Now?

22-year-old Jethro from New Jersey writes:

Hi Chauntel,

I have this young Lady in my church who I am interested in. She has been going to my church since 2009. I remember telling her I liked her in that same year and her not knowing how to respond because she barely knew me. This was all of course four years ago.  I am interested in I like her for more than her beauty. I genuinely feel and see a radiant beauty from her I like her and what to be more than friends what do you think I should do.

Hi Jethro,

It looks like it is time for you to act on your emotions. If you don’t she might get scooped up by someone else. Since you go to the same church, I am sure that you have interacted a bit. The next step is to approach her, and let her know that you are interested in getting to know her a little better. Go for it dude! What are you waiting for? However, be prepared that if she is not interested in you, you have to accept that and take it as an opportunity to move on.

Here are a couple of videos that I have made on similar topics below!

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

Dating Tips for Shy/Quite Boys

How to Approach a Girl

Video: How to let go of her? – Relationship Advice – Ask Chauntel

Chauntel explains what he must do to get over her. How does he stop thinking and longing for her? Watch! Askchauntel@gmail.com

Ask Chauntel Diary Entry

There is something that I thought about today that really inspired me.

I realized its ok to be me completely, 100% me. It’s ok that I have interests in so many diverse things. It’s ok that when I tell people that I want to be a Talk Show Host they look at me like I have described an impossible task that could never be achieved.

It’s ok that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my expressions are so bright that I leave them out for the world to see.

I realized that I cannot put myself in a box. My personality just cannot fit, and I cannot do anything about that.

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Relationships after Divorce – To Jump or Not to Jump. Hmmmm

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She Left Me and I am Depressed – Ask Chauntel

20-year-old Derrel writes:

Hi Chauntel,

I am so depressed and disappointed. I cannot do anything. She left me for no reason. She was my first love. The problem is I loved her more than anyone else, more than myself.

I can never forget her, I beg her many times, but she keeps ignoring me. She speaks very rudely. What do I do now? I always cry and I can’t stop my tears. I said I will be waiting for you until the end of time. Please tell me what I do now? I want her back, and I will do anything for her. I love her so much, so please tell me what to do so that she will come back to me.

Hi Derrel,

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. These things happen to the best of us. Loosing your first love can be a very difficult position to be in. And the pain that you feel inside cuts deep.

However, if she doesn’t want to continue your relationship you have to accept that, and continue to move forward. How, do you do that????? You have to allow time to pass, and do your best to busy yourself with things that will busy your mind.

It’s easy to fall so deep that we forget about ourselves. Don’t do that. It is not healthy, and you will always end up being so hurt. You have to guard you heart. That doesn’t mean that you should have the walls up so high that no one is able to come in, but what it does mean is you have to absolutely be more cautious about giving you heart away so quickly and so deeply without knowing how the other person feels.

You have to let her go, like a bird. Let her fly away. If and when she comes back you can decide if you want to be with her, but right now you have a lot of growing to do. You have to let her go so that you can grow yourself. You have to learn to love you before you completely give your heart away to someone new.

It may seem near impossible to let this one go, but you have complete control of your situation, and I know that you have the power to make a change in your life.

How do you make this change? Accept that it is over between the two of you, and continue to move forward with your life the best you can. It may hurt a lot right now, but as time passes you can slowly let this thing go, but you have to be willing to let go to move forward

Check this video out. It should help!

Lots of Love!

Chauntel

askchauntel@gmail.com

http://www.askchauntel.com